Just like everyone else, I am thinking about the year in review. Here are my thoughts for our family. Hubby has had a good year. His exercise research program has gone well. Though he hasn't lost a lot of weight, I can certainly tell he is healthier. He has more energy and seems perkier. He was also able to begin teaching college this year. This has been a dream of his for many, many years and it has been a good experience. Several people have begun reading Scripture in a new light because of his class. He has put up well with me and my "farmette"; building a fence, new goat pen, rabbit nests, etc. He attended his 20 year high school reunion, and looked great. Who was that gorgeous lady on his arm!? #1 has shot through the roof this year. Summer is normally the time for growth, but his has continued all year long. We will be going through clothes again this week to get out a new size. He played on a basketball team in the spring and enjoyed that. Now he looks forward to trying martial arts. The big news, though maybe not in his eyes, was winning the State Gold Award in 4-H for his nutrition project. He still loves books and stories, often making up his own. He was in a play in the spring too, starring as Jiminy Cricket on a talk show for fairy tale characters. He loves being on stage and had lots of practice giving speeches in geography and joining in the church talent show as a comedian. During our family vacation in the Smokies, he gave his first sermon at our family church time. He planned the entire service. #1 also got glasses this year, a sign to me of how old he is getting. #2 has finally grown as well. He is still petite, but getting some height on him in the last few months. This was the year for stitches- having 2 active boys would make you think we have had them before, but the boys must be graceful- he ran into a door jam at top speed. He also played basketball on a team this spring, but it wasn't what he had imagined. He spent most of the games talking to whomever he was supposed to be guarding or spinning in circles to get dizzy. He did enjoy himself though. He has dug holes in the yard, made potions with stuff in the ditch and driveway, played with bugs, climbed trees, tromped through muddy fields, and cradled his kitten. He is all boy on the outside, and all sweetness on the inside. He also gave speeches in geography, but much more enjoys being behind the scenes. I have had an interesting year. I have enjoyed being in a spiritual growth group with some women from church. It fills the void that I sometimes feel here, out of the Bible Belt. I have been busy with my little farm; unsuccessfully growing a garden, raising chickens, goats, and rabbits, seeing our first goat born, enjoying stars at night, I love it. Travel was a biggie this year. I especially enjoyed our trip to Philadelphia, NY, and Canada. Renewing friendships and sharing the experiences with my sons were priceless. The trip to DC in October only added to it. Getting a good bill of health from the doctor was a great relief- guess I don't have to go back for another 6 years!! Caring for the 3 extra children has been a blessing- the money as well as having the children. Homeschooling has been evolving with us and I seem to have hit my philosophical stride at last. Teaching in co-ops and helping lead 4-H give me an outlet for my creative juices. As far as resolutions...I made 2 for 2006. I was going to get up earlier and I was going to take life slower and quieter. Until about October I did well getting up earlier. I would wake at 6:10 and have my devotional time and then head out to the barn. The last couple of months have found me too tired to keep that up. Hubby wonders about the time change and I wonder about anemia, a suggestion from the doctor. So I bought some iron pills to try that and will also try to get to bed earlier so I can rise earlier; that will be my resolution again this year. As far as taking life slower and quieter: I have decided it is an issue of pride. I tried hard to limit my schedule, but it continually filled up. I think I want to make sure the children have as many oppportunities as more "elite" children and I also like having center stage. So I will again try to live a quiet life, reminding myself that it is better for my stress level as well as my secret sin of pride. 1 Thessalonians 4:11 "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands..."

At 2:30 a.m. one of the kids' walkie talkie radioes went off, screaming loud static through the house. I don't know what set it off, but it was the end of my restful night's sleep. I spent a lot of the rest of the night in thought and prayer. Today is my baby's 8th birthday! The time has flown. In 8 years he has had 4 homes: PA, WV, TX, and NC. He was supposed to be born on December 18th, one day after his great-grandfather and namesake's birthday, so we had hoped for a day early delivery. Not only was he late, but he had to be forced to come out on the 30th; which worked out ok since it means he shares the birthday of my father and many other friends and relatives. (Happy birthday Dad, Aunt Shirley, Jimmy, Jane, and others. I also happen to know it was the conception of Ian, so happy conception to him!) Anyway, #2 has been late ever since! If we are going somewhere he is always the last in the van. He is the last in the shower, in line, to eat, to clean up, to finish schoolwork; you name it. That should not always be viewed in a negative light. He is courteous to let others go first, he never over eats, and he notices things in life that others don't take the time to notice. He will not have a stress-related disease. #2 was angry that we forced him to be born and loudly pouted about it for about 5-6 months. He was not cuddly or cute, had skin problems, and cried a lot. It was hard to learn to love him. But around 18 months, he turned into the most lovable child you will meet. He still gives out hugs all day long, and will gladly kiss his mother. (I think that is partly to annoy his brother who won't kiss me anymore, but I take what I can get!) He is kind toward all and just as generous. For his birthday this year he asked friends to give him cat and dog toys instead of presents. He is donating them to the animal shelter. He often puts his spending money in the collection at church, just because he wants to, and the Salvation Army Bells seemed to ring only for him at Christmas. He will share his toys, books, time, and love with equal enthusiasm to all. Sounds great I know, but he does have his foibles. He is reckless and thoughtless when it comes to safety. He has had stitches, been bitten by many things, played with snakes, hung himself, leaped off high perches, and other dangerous escapades I am sure I don't want to know about. The Good Lord has posted extra sentries to guard him. His attitude through his short life has been one of conviction. I would often tell him he couldn't do something and he would say, "Yes I can. Watch!" I had to explain that what I meant was he was not allowed to do the thing! I pray that he will always have the inner strength to persevere through life, continuing to be a generous and thoughtful soul. May God bless my 8 Year Old. ____________ Now I must move on with my day to prepare for 8 small guests for lunch and a Cat and Dog party; complete with a cat pinata!

Well, we got out some of the Christmas gift games yesterday and learned how to play them. The boys got one called Made for Trade, about trading and payment during Colonial Times. The other was a trivia game for US history and geography. I know it was made for 9 years and up, but some of those questions were very easy. I guess some were difficult too, though. We unpacked a lot yesterday, but have to finish up today. I like that the boys are getting more independent. I gave them a stack of things yesterday and said, "Find a home for it." They wanted to know what if there wasn't room, and I said then you have to get rid of something. They seemed to do pretty well with it. I mailed out Christmas letters yesterday. Before we left, I had the boys stuff them, address, and stamp them. Then we left them sitting in the floor, so they got mailed after Christmas. Millie did ok while we were gone. I got a friend's son to milk for us while we were gone, and he did a good job. I was surprised by his sisters who thought the idea of milking was disgusting. Anyway, Millie was a stomper to the poor boy, and she tried it with me yesterday, but settled down today. I just can't believe she is still letting Elvis nurse!! ___________ We found a sink hole in the yard yesterday as we were looking for eggs. It's not a good sign. We have our realtor looking for someone who can check on our water retention problem under the house, and I have a feeling this is part of it. Happy New Year.

We made it back last night about 11:15. It took a couple extra hours for traffic. Not traffic the whole way, but just a normal 45 minute stretch that turned into 2 1/2 hours!! When you are in the middle of that you wish you could tell where a better route is. Christmas with the family went well. There had been a mix-up about when we were leaving and so in order to accomodate some other schedules, we left the afternoon before we planned to leave. It made for a very stressful departure, and we were dragging when we got there, but it all turned out fine. This was the first year that Santa was very exciting to my children. Amazing, considering that they are nearly 8 and 10! They have never gotten up early or been so excited that they couldn't sleep; this year they were beside themselves. #1 rose at 6 a.m. certain that he had seen something going down the drive and saw some lights. The story progressed until it was that he actually saw Santa!! When asked what was the best present, #2 answered, "Just being with family." Hope your holiday was as good.

Having a restless night. So I got up and wrote our Christmas letter. I seem to be behind in my Christmas business this year! A friend is coming over Wednesday to spend the day helping me catch up. Maybe she can put address labels on the letters. I know some people don't like the yearly letters from friends, but I love them. I feel like I am visiting with an old friend when one comes in the mail. _________ I have been thinking about our church service Sunday. We didn't have a sermon, per se, but Matt spoke about Christ's death and resurrection focusing the whole service on the Eucharist. One part was a video clip of Jesus's life and scriptures that said how "amazed" everyone was by him. The people were amazed, the disciples were amazed, the leaders were amazed...Are you amazed? Yes, I am. I would never do what he did, I could never love like he loved, I could never be as patient as he was. He amazes me.

A friend and I took our children to Richmond on Friday to go to the science museum. It is 3-4 stories of hands-on science. We learned about crystals, space, optical illusions, the human body, bio-ethics, weather, watched trained rats play basketball, and our favorite... learned really gross facts about animals. We stayed all day long and had a wonderful time. I really enjoy getting to learn with my children. ___________ Hubby and I had a nice anniversary. We went to lunch, a movie, ran errands, and then went to a really nice dinner. The movie was Pursuit of Happyness. We both really enjoyed it. The women beside me were bawling, but I mostly just teared up. I didn't know it is based on a true story, so that was a surprise for me at the end. It certainly makes you realize how unstable life can be. I don't know what I would do without family. The movie had very little swearing, no sex or violence, and a great plot. I would recommend it to anyone. ___________ I started reading a book this weekend, Last Child in the Woods. I am underlining like a college student! It is about how missing out on nature can make you stressed and unfocused. Nearly every chapter has reminded me of my Dad. When my Mom would have a troubled student, my Dad would say, "If I could just have him here on the farm, I'm sure he could work it out." That was often said about my cousin, who lived in town and did things like shut down the a.c. unit on a pharmaceutical plant! I have also recalled the many times that I have said, "I love that my children are growing up like this; with animals, land, space, and freedom." Visiting my friend in Canada this summer has also jumped into my memory. They have a very large, green area near their house. There isn't much of a playground, but just lots of room to run, explore, climb trees, sled in the winter. There aren't many places like that in the US. The book says that is because there isn't any profit in it. Good 'ole commercialism. I am enjoying the book immensely, but that might be because it is agreeing with what I believe!!

This is dedicated to the one I love. What can happen in 17 years? You can move 7 times; 1 trailer, 3 apartments, 1 stay with parents, and 2 houses. 2 large cities, 2 large towns, one rural community. You can pay 7 schools for an education. You can have 15 jobs; some good, some bad, and some just pay the bills. Your country can be attacked several times, and you can be at war. The Economy can falter, improve, falter, improve... You can travel many places, Smokey Mountains, Grand Canyon, Mexico, Disney World, and so much more. You can have 2 children; 3 years of sleepless nights, 1 1/2 years of ear aches, several weeks of vomiting, 1 trip to the Urgent Care Clinic for stitches, and countless hours and days of laughter. You can grieve the loss of 6 grandparents, and rejoice at the birth of 2 nieces. You can make friends and lose friends. Sometimes, you have long-distance friends. You can hurt, laugh, cry, worry, wonder, and fall deeper in love. Happy Anniversary, Lover!

The weather has been changing and everyone seems to be getting ill in some way. #5 evidently has an ear infection, so he isn't coming today. #1 has an infected finger and is on antibiotics. Hubby has back spasms. I guess the stress of the holidays is getting to us. _______ I was watching out the window this morning as I always do during devotional time, and had the thought that windows were the first televisions. It is interesting to watch the animals, weather, seasons, neighbors...the volume is kind of low, but I like the quiet. A person called a few days ago to take a local radio survey. Her first question was do you listen to at least one hour of radio a week. My answer was no. "Are you sure? You don't think 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there adds up to an hour?" No was still my response. I like it quiet. I don't get much of it with all of the children around, but I do enjoy it.

Spent yesterday working on 4-H. That is why I planned to take December off of school. I learned last year that it requires a lot to finish everything up. So the afternoon was spent scrapbooking with 8 children. Then 3 kids came home home with us for dinner and a sleepover. As we drove along they were trying to impress each other. Remember it was 5 boys. They started talking about cars. Now my children don't know anything about cars and never pay any attention to them. All of a sudden #1 is an authority on cars. He starts dropping names like Integra, Supra, Oddyssey, and ends with, "Well, the Ferrarri is the best car." Another answers, "They're good, but the Lambourgini is really phat." (At this point I am wondering when my kids are going to ask about fat cars, but they skip over it.) "What's a Lambourgini?" asks #2. Another kids answers, "I think it's an old sheep."

Yesterday, #1 was working on a 4-H project and he had to describe what was similar and different among his friends. I don't think he knows that one comes from a divorced situation, and I didn't bring it up, but it was something I thought of. Out of 4 children, that was the only one from a divorce. Pretty good odds for today, I would say. My children don't ask much about divorce, and the only one they seem to have picked up on is Buster in the cartoon Arthur. Their friends come from intact homes, their extended families are intact, their church family has little divorce. My children are lucky. I had a very negative impression of divorce as a child. My father comes from a family of 13 and my mother from a family of 4. There are 2 divorces in my father's family and none in my mother's. The first in my father's was a situation of abuse. I wasn't told that as a child, just that Uncle Donnie wouldn't be around anymore. I don't know what was told to me, but I know when she remarried, I did not call the new husband "Uncle." The second divorce was when I was in high school and it was a lustful situation. I was not allowed to go near the "culprits" for quite a while, and still do not call her "Aunt." It isn't as much intentional now, as much as, she is my age and it would be strange. My parents split up for a while when I was just out of college. It was painful, made me angry, a time of confusion. And that was when I was an adult and married myself. I can not imagine what a child must go through in a divorce. May God bless all of our marriages with love and understanding.

Last week was the first week of our winter break from school. #2 didn't want to watch cartoons on Saturday, but asked to do school work! He said he had had enough vacation. I get that way too. I need some days to relax and not feel any demands, but then it is time to get back to work. We saw on 20/20 not long ago, a clip of rich kids and why they do or do not work. One of the guys, an Italian I believe, said he tried working but it wasn't fun. He is having too much fun partying and enjoying life. I can't imagine doing nothing but partying and vacationing. ____________ Everyone will be happy to hear that we have a Christmas tree up. The boys put it up with the babysitter on Saturday. We put it in the dining room this year, so maybe I will get to enjoy it. I have put it in the livingroom before and didn't really see the sense of having a tree. I rarely go in the livingroom and so I never saw it. I like our tree. It is about 4 feet tall and fake; nothing special really. Until you hear that it was my mother-in-law's tree when she was a little girl. The decorations are the originals. There is even one, on the tree now, that is from Czechoslavakia. That isn't even a country anymore! Our tree is a bit of family history.

Boy is it cold! I am loving the new heater. The electric bill wasn't as low as I had hoped, but the house is warmer than last year, and the electric was still lower than last year. All of the animals' water had frozen over and they were really thirsty. I broke open the tub of water and goats, chickens, and cats came running. ____________ Part of my discussion the other night with friends about shopping was my disdain for too many choices. I don't want to decide high rise, low rise, mid-rise, relaxed fit, boot cut, flared, stone washed, acid washed, pre-shrunk, button-fly.....I just want a pair of slacks! My friend said I should move to a Third World country. I told my husband and he said, "Good luck with that." I guess my shopping disorder isn't worth it to him to move! Feel the love. ____________ Nouwen has been giving me a new perspective on God. Part of The Return of the Prodigal Son is about the motherly, feminine side of God. That is definitely NOT something that has been taught to me in the past. I had heard about it, but nothing definite. What I enjoyed most recently was Nouwen's description of the father loving both sons the same at the return of the prodigal. He went out to meet the prodigal and he went out to ask the elder son to join them. Both sons loved the same, both favorites of the father. That was a hard concept for Nouwen to grasp, but as a mother it is an easy one. I love my children in different ways, but certainly they are both my favorites. I do not love one more than the other, and there is as much room in my heart for one as for the other. I would grieve for both children the same, I adore both the same, I equally care for them. When I put that concept into God's relationship with me and other people, then I see more clearly how He loves me. Sometimes others will have blessings that I don't, but God loves me the same. Sometimes, I will be punished when others are not, but God loves me just as much as them. When I hurt, God hurts for me; when I rejoice, God rejoices with me. He is my Father.

I hope yesterday's blog was taken in the manner in which it was intended. 2 Cor. 7 (Phillips's Translation) "For although my letter had hurt you, I don't regret it now. (as I did, I must confess, at one time) I can see that the letter did upset you, though only for a time, and now I am glad I sent it, not because I want to hurt you, but because it made you grieve for the things that were wrong. In other words, the result was to make you sorry as God would have had you sorry, and not merely to make you offended by what we said." My intention is not to beat a dead horse, but to make us aware of social justice. From time to time, I will continue to bring up this topic, so that God can work His way through it. Change comes slowly. ____________ I was telling some friends last night about my shopping hysteria. My husband asked if I willl have a social disorder by the time I am 40. The friends offered some advice, and also to take me shopping. I don't think I will take them up on the offer. ____________ We had a talent show at church on Sunday night. It was a fun family event. The boys told jokes, and #2 gave a cooking demonstration. Hubby and I read a script that we wrote called, Coastal Plains Companion. It was good to laugh after such a sad, hectic week.

If you join a group, knowing that you can only be a sub-section of the group, then discrimination is expected. If you join a group and are told that you can join in most things, but not all, then discrimination is still what you chose. But, if you join a group and are not told in what areas you may or may not participate, then discrimination is occuring to which you have not agreed. Of course, if you are not black, you do not notice when a black person is discriminated against. If you are not an Orthodox Jew neither will you notice when things are not "kosher" for them. Being aware of discrimination and doing nothing about it, is the same as being the discriminator. Isolationism is not a policy, but a cop-out. Eventually you will have to join the war, and you will have to make it known which side you are on.

A few days ago, Darkie got her horns caught in the fence. She was scared and angry and just jumped until she twisted out of the fence. It ripped off half of one of her horns, and it appears that I need to take it the rest of the way off. I am afraid that it is twisted so that it will grow into her head. I tried this morning to take it off, but was unable. I put her in the stanchion so I could keep her in one place, but she knew something was going to happen. She shook and trembled, bleated and screamed. I wasn't able to remove it, but did cause it to bleed more. I hate this part of farming. I hate that part of parenting. I don't want to cause pain, but I know some things are better for the pain. It is hard when they look at you with betrayal in their eyes. I thought you loved me. I thought you would protect me. How could you do this? I remember #1 looking at me that way when he was getting the third shot in a row. Big tears were rolling down his cheeks and he looked at me with disbelief. "I don't want another one," he pleaded. "I know. It will be over soon," I said as I tried not to cry with him. So much in life we don't understand. Sometimes I look to God with disbelief and a feeling of betrayal. I have to remind myself that he knows what is best and the pain will make it better.

The weather was cold and rainy for the funeral; very appropriate for a child's funeral. I didn't attend, but Hubby said it went well. The father couldn't be there and it is just tragic. We will be praying for his strength for a long time. His family was at church yesterday. ___________ Today is the first official day of winter break for us. I have to say I am as excited as the children. I am looking forward to cleaning the house really well. (I am so easy to excite!) I may have the kids put up the Christmas tree this week. Right now we are making paper airplanes and testing them. As a young girl picturing herself as a mother, I never thought about paper airplanes. Of course, I wanted daughters! ___________ I made cheese last week and sold it this weekend at a 4H bake sale. It sold well. Perhaps I have found a way to make these goats profitable! ___________ We finished up the university art class on Thursday and then went to Statesville to stay with a friend for the night. On Friday morning we left for Winston-Salem and the Old Salem Village. It is the first Moravian settlement in NC. It was very interesting to think about such a place of culture in the backwoods of NC 300 years ago! It was a communal type village, and I don't know that I would do well there. They sent their children to live at the school at age 6 and then they went to live in a house with other single people at age 13. The guide laughed at my comment about that, and went on to say how much do you think you see your children with computers, tvs, and gameboys. He was asking the wrong person!!! He did go on to explain that they came home every day for lunch, for a bit in the evening to help with chores, and if they were sick. The family houses were not built big enough to accomodate large families. That was part of the reason for sending out the children.

The phone rang at 3:53 a.m. Could it be a wrong number immediately went through my mind. Then, the man asked for my husband. Certainly this isn't a benevolence call or telemarketer at this hour! No, he went on to say why he called. The daughter of one of our members had been struck by a car and killed. Could my husband go and tell the father? Oh, what horror. What terrible sadness. Grief, aching inside of me...for her, for the father, the whole family. And constantly the thought, "Please Lord, don't ever let us get a call like this for one of our sons." Selfish, I know, but it is what I feel and think. I realized so concretely at 4 this morning, that I have little control over what happens to them. They could be in a car accident today, this morning, gone within a couple of hours. How precious and precarious is this life. Lord, please protect us.

2 kittens arrived on Monday. They are Winky and Leo. It took a lot for the poor things to get those names. The boys like to name things by description, like Big Ears for a rabbit, instead of giving a "name". The kittens are mostly white with saddles and spots of gray and brown or black. They are 10 weeks old, so still in the cute stage. Another cat arrives this afternoon. He is 3 years old so probably not cute, but a good mouser from what we hear. That is why we want him! Millie is singing the blues for a man. I guess Elvis isn't such a pain after all, if she is already wanting another baby. Instinct takes over common sense, I suppose. I made goat's cheese over the weekend. I wasn't sure what it was supposed to be like, and it didn't seem to follow the recipe, but my friends who is a fan of goat's cheese said it was just right. It wasn't hard to make, but a gallon of milk doesn't make much, so I guess that explains the prices in the stores.

Nowen writes, "It is clear that the distance between the turning around and the arrival at home needs to be traveled wisely and with discipline. The discipline is becoming the child of God. Jesus makes it clear that the way to God is the same as the way to a new childhood. "Unless you turn and become as little children you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Jesus does not ask me to remain a child but to become one. Becoming a child is living toward a second innocence: not the innocence of the newborn infant, but the innocence that is reached through conscious choices. ...The Beatitudes offer me the simplest route for the journey home, back into the house of my Father. And along this route I will discover the joys of the second childhood: comfort, mercy, and an ever clearer vision of God. And as I reach home and feel the embrace of my father, I will realize that not only Heaven will be mine to claim, but that the earth as well will become my inheritance, a place where I can live in freedom without obsessions and compulsions. ...The eternal Son became a child so that I might become a child again and so re-enter with him into the Kingdom of the Father. "In all truth I tell you," Jesus said to Nicodemus, "no one can see the Kingdom of God without being born from above." What an important thing to remember at this time of year.

When I was first breast feeding, I asked my doctor how long could I do that. He answered, "Just don't make him late for the bus." Well, Millie is making Elvis late for the bus! My husband says maybe she homeschools. Whatever, she still lets Elvis nurse. He is 3 1/2 months old, he could have quit at 2 months! ____________ From Nouwen's, Return of the Prodigal Son: "The prodigal's return is full of ambiguities. He is traveling in the right direction, but what confusion! He admits that he was unable to make it on his own and confesses that he would get better treatment as a slave in his father's home than as an outcast in a foreign land, but he is still far from trusting his father's love. He knows that he is still the son, but tells himself that he has lost the dignity to be called "son", and he prepares himself to accept the status of a "hired man" so that at least he will survive. There is repentence, but not a repentence in the light of the immense love of a forgiving God. It is a self-serving repentence that offers the possibility of survival. ...God remains a harsh, judgmental God. It is this God who makes me feel guilty and worried and calls up in me all these self-serving apologies. Submission to this God does not create true inner freedom, but breeds only bitterness and resentment. ...Receiving forgiveness requires a total willingness to let God be God and do all the healing, restoring, and renewing. As long as I want to do even a part of that myself, I end up with partial solutions, such as becoming a hired servant. As a hired servant, I can still keep my distance, still revolt, reject, strike, run away, or complain about my pay. As the beloved son, I have to claim my full dignity and begin preparing myself to become the father." Nouwen floors me by his insight. More tomorrow.

I worked hard yesterday, and ended the day by reading a book. I only intended to read for an hour and then take care of some more things at home, but I couldn't put it down! The Giver, by Lois Lowry, is a fictional novel for young adults. I had read it years ago, I think when I was in college, and remembered it as being intriguing. I picked it up last week at the library, hoping my holiday would afford a little time for pleasure reading. The story goes that part of the world has decided to adopt "sameness" in order to prevent pain. Everyone must look the same, dress the same, think the same. They follow the same rules, eat the same food, ride the same bikes. On the outside that looks good. There is no pain, no war, no hatred or enmity. But it also results in the loss of all that is beautiful, pleasurable, real. There is no love, no color, no music. There is not even death or birth. I was very thoughtful about it all as I finished the book. I contemplated what it would be like to not see any differences in anyone; no fear, no hatred, no discomfort. I thought about how much I love my family. Even with all of the pain they cause, and will cause, the love so outweighs the pain that it is well worth the turmoil. __________________ Another reading from yesterday came from Window on the World. It is a book full of descriptions of peoples around the world who know little or nothing about God and Jesus. We read it as a family after dinner and then pray for the people. Yesterday was about the Dogon people of Mali. They live in cliffs and farm what little land they can. They were asking their gods for rain, but none came. Finally, someone suggested that they ask Christians to pray for rain, and they did. The Christians agreed, but only if they would stop sacrificing to their gods so they would know the rain really came from God. They agreed and the rain came! The Dogons ran out to sacrifice to their gods in thanks for the rain, and the rain stopped. The Elders of the tribe realized what had happened and made the people stop sacrificing. Then the rain began again! God still works miracles. The Dogon people have started turning toward God and Jesus since then.

We went to help at Give 2 the Troops a few days ago. It is an organization that sends care packages to the soldiers who request one. They can email their requests for particular items, and then Give 2 the Troops sends it out. They are a non-profit and all of their items are donated to them. One of the unique things they do is send personal cards from children. All this year in 4-H the kids have made cards to be put in the care packages. This was our culminating event to that project. The kids were able to sort some of the donations and to pack boxes for Christmas. While the kids did that, the moms got a tour of the place and an explanation of how it works. Here are some surprising things I learned: Men are assured one shower a month, women are assured of two. More men request pads and tampons than women. They use pads to soak up sweat under their helmets or to put in their boots to protect their feet. Most soldiers lose their toenails from marching in the boots. Tampons are used in their guns to keep out sand. They are also great for bullet wounds. Toilet paper is at a premium since you may be 500 miles from a PX where you can get some. I was able to read some of the requests. They were very humble and sincere. The soldiers would tell you what their circumstances are and then ask for something little like toothpaste. If they had good living arrangements they told you so. How different it is for citizens here, at times. I thought about times when there is a flood or disaster and people try to take advantage of your generosity. Driving home the boys were asking about serving in the military and do you have to? It was then that I realized my oldest will have to register in 8 years! It wasn't something I had thought about for them before. They also picked up ont he discrepancies between men and women, perhaps that is why I had not thought about them registering.

I went Christmas shopping last night, as well as looking for some winter shirts for myself. I got rid of most of my long sleeved shirts at the end of last winter because they were looking pretty hard up. So I used my "night off" to take care of shopping. I used to like to shop when I was in high school, but as time has gone on I have liked it less and less. It got to the point several years ago that I would only enjoy shopping a couple times a year, like when the kids went back to school, or when we were on vacation. Now I don't even like to do that much. Last night I decided that I now can say I actually HATE shopping. I could feel the stress building in my neck muscles, the headache was starting, and I was very near tears. When I finally got near to tears, I decided it was time to quit. I think I will do most of the rest of the shopping online. I wasn't really gone that long; a total of 3 1/2 hours from leaving the house to returning. So why did I have so much trouble? I can't decide what the change has been. I think part of it is that I have isolated myself from popular culture so much that I go into shock when I am out in the stores. Also part of it is that I get upset about the way the rest of the world (not necessarily America) lives when I am out buying new things. It stressed me just as much to buy things for myself as it did to buy for others. I put things back several times. I also think it is that I don't care for what others buy themselves so I have a hard time purchasing things that I think are bad buys; for instance a small girl should not be dressing like a woman. I don't know what it is, but I am glad to be able to purchase things via internet. So much for my "night off".

Thursday was very stormy here, and Friday was the calm after the storm. The difference in the 2 days startled me several times. No one here was injured by the storms, but towns nearby had fatalities. After losing Grandma so suddenly, these deaths only triggered the thought that none of us knows when we will go home. ___________ We had a female friend visit for dinner Thursday night before we all went to a 4-H County Council Meeting. She is a very sweet girl, but she giggles! Boys do not giggle; they rip-roar laugh. A friend of ours just adopted a daughter; they already had 3 sons. I wonder how many differences they will encounter. My husband says one difference is that she knew how to clear the table a whole lot better than the boys. I guess it is just ingrained in females. __________ We finished Geography Co-op yesterday. We have been going for 3 months! It was a wonderful experience and everyone learned a lot, even the moms. Yesterday, #1 reported on MD and made the best crabcakes to share with everyone. #2 reported on WV and shared buckwheat cakes. I tried to tell the moms that buckwheat cakes are sort of an acquired taste- if you have had them you know what I mean- but for me they are more about memory than taste. My grandmother used to make them in the fall when all of the uncles were deer hunting. Before school, I would walk to her house and have buckwheat cakes for breakfast while all of the men came back to report how they had done. I don't know why that seems so important to me, but it does.

Last night my Spiritual Growth Group sat out in the foyer of church with another woman and we all just visited. It wasn't anything deep, but seemed to be needed. Everyone was tired and deflated. I think the earlier evenings (dark) are taking their toll. ____ My children asked last night when we will go to WV again. At Christmas. How long is that? About 5-6 weeks. ...Then PANIC hit me. How in the world could Christmas be that close? ____ Tornadoes and bad storms predicted today. Of course, the day we have to be out running around has bad weather.

Oh how quickly a house can fall apart!! Monday I was so happy to just be at home and get through the day peacefully. Quietly cleaning, teaching, rearing children; it was so pleasant. Yesterday I needed to be gone most of the day and so now that wonderful homey feeling is gone, mixed up with the mail, dirty laundry and dishes, toys that need putting away, and calls that need to be made. ______________ We watched a movie last night, King Arthur. Sometimes there is a reason that you don't hear much about a movie. There was a lot of fighting and gore, and the story line was confusing. I had thought it might be a good one to watch since we were doing so much Middle Ages stuff lately, but not really. Honey took the boys to see Flushed Away and they thought it was good. Bathroom topics and animated James Bond doesn't appeal to me.

I posted this morning, but somehow it got lost in cyberspace. I went to an international education and economics seminar at the university yesterday evening. It was good to be with other teaching professionals and get some new information and ideas. I think it will help me be more current with what I teach my children. The world has changed so much without my noticing. I seem to have had my head in the sands of motherhood. One funny thing was that a foreign student from Ukraine said his daughter had been here the last several years, but now that she is 6 and needs to start school, they sent her back to Ukraine. It seems the elementary schools in America are not good enough for them. Of course, they aren't good enough for my children either! ____________________ Hubby found a nest of eggs this evening. The chickens have been hiding eggs on me, or not laying them, and I had given up. There were 23 eggs in the corner outside of the barn. I put more straw in their nests a few days ago and that seems to be encouraging them to lay more in the coop. ____________________ I ordered some rennet tablets this evening so I can begin to make goat cheese. Merry Christmas presents, I imagine.

Yesterday, I attended a seminar at the local University. It was on economics and international education. One of the ladies at my table was talking to me about having taken her students to the recycling center this week. She was saying that petroleum is used to make the plastic bottles that soda come in. I happened to also have the info packet on the US and noticed that in 2004 we had a daily deficit of 11 million barrels of oil. Now why on Earth are we using what we buy to make soda bottles!? While talking about this to a friend who was also at the seminar, she told me her mother-in-law refuses to throw away anything when she comes to visit. She is from India, and they don't throw away anything. They sell their old newspapers to the stores to be used to wrap vegetables and items in, they use plastic bags for everything you can think of, they don't sell garbage bags. I was remembering the recycling and packaging differences in Canada this summer... When will our country join the rest of the world?

Mother's intuition is amazing. We were at a restaurant Saturday evening and #2 had to go to the restroom. We sent him, but soon after I felt uneasy and asked Dadddy to go check on him. Just a second later, here comes #2 and he needs to throw up. Last night I woke, thinking I heard a cry in the night. A minute later, here he comes again, crawling into our bed and hugging his animals and pillow close to him. He had had a bad dream. #1 has bad dreams, though not as frequently as he used to. #2 very rarely dreams, it seems, so last night was an oddity. I took him back to his bed and crawled in with him to stay for half an hour until he felt better. He put his little arm out and held me tight. It reminded me of so many nights that #1 had done the same; needing to know I was still there. I hope they never forget to look for me when they are scared or need comforting. __________________ You may be wondering what the dream was about...He dreamed a spider kept biting him and he couldn't get away. Not such an odd dream seeing as he was playing with a spider last week and was bitten on the finger. He was trying to catch it. It left a fang in his finger that he had to pull out. This is not something we found out until several days later when the finger was still hurting. He thought he would get in trouble for playing with a spider; and he did!

"#2, what are you doing?" I asked last night. As soon as I asked, I knew what he was doing. I told him, "I know what you're doing. The very same thing I was doing when I was a kid!" That made him smile in relief. My parents brought down to me my great-grandmother's sewing machine. It is an old, wooden, pedal-powered one. I used to go in Great-grandma's room and see how fast I could make the pedal go. It has to be done in a steady rhythm or it gets stuck. It was always interesting to me as a child. So the two of us looked at the machine and pulled out the drawers to inspect their contents. It was a trip down memory lane for me. There were scraps of material that I remember doll's dresses being made of, Great-grandma's snuff can that she always kept in her apron pocket, my grandmother's signature on some papers, and stockings that had had the runners sewn. In those drawers were sraps of fabric so small it would be hard to think why they were saved. Pieces of an old linen lady's t-shirt, underwear with the crotch cut out, tops of socks, pieces of elastic stripped from some waistband...I am sure to some it would seem like trash, but to Great-grandma, they were very useful. She came from a life that would use every scrap it had. This made me start thinking about people's habits; people in my life. My maternal Papaw wanted his cupboards filled with food; he had gone hungry a lot as a child. My Grandma read anything she could get her hands on; she wasn't allowed to finish school because her family couldn't afford it. My mother and her sisters are clothes horses; they had sparing wardrobes when they were children; dresses made from flour sacks. And now there are my children. They want to spend $60 on an electronic puppy, that will surely break in less than a week. They don't understand the value of money, and have very little opportunity to discover it. We do our best, but it is hard in this time in America.

Wednesday evening I was debating whether or not to stay home from church with my children. We have really gotten behind in our school work and several things are due this week. I was justifying it as other people keep their kids home to finish homework, why can't I? I decided that we should go. I can make the kids cut out more tv or stay up later or something other than miss church. One of the reasons we enjoy homeschooling is that our lives are not dictated by how much homework has to be done that evening. I am glad for making the right decision, but I do still feel like we could have helped our situation by staying home. I am feeling stressed by being so far behind. But what would I have taught the children by staying home? I think the message would have been sent that if life is getting hectic, cut God out of it; just when you need God most!

I let the chicks and duck out of their hutch a few days ago. I was worried that they would be killed by the other chickens/roosters, but they are holding their own. Chuck, the duck who thinks it is a chicken, is very much a mother hen. It calls to the chicks and tries to keep them close, and even hisses at the hens who try to peck them. Chuck still doesn't quack. Today as I was milking Millie, the chicks came up on the stanchion with me and checked things out. They would sit on my lap or run around my feet. Then one flew up on the milk bowl to look around. What a fun way to start the day. _________________ Glad we got the heater in when we did. It is supposed to be in the 70s and 80s the next several days!!

It would seem that Satan is desparate to snare me. I have had so much going on lately, and several calendars to address for next year, that it has been difficult to keep the goal of being "unambitious". I refuse to let him get me though; I love my life so much when it is slower and stress-less. ___________________ My parents came to visit this weekend and had to stay longer than expected. We have had an oil furnace to heat the house the last 2 winters and it has not been efficient, in the least. The first year we went through a LOT of oil to keep it 68 degrees in here. Last year we went through a little less oil and kept it 61 degrees. So we bought a Monitor heater and my parents were here to help install it. Two of my uncles have used one for many years, and are both very pleased. It is a kerosene heater, but in northern California you should only use 220 gallons a year to heat your house. It really sounds too good to be true, but so far the house is quite warm, a first! Anyway, it is supposed to be a 2 hour job to install, but it took several days. We had to put a hole in the wall, and that is plaster and brick. Then we had to install a new electrical outlet and tie into electricity that the furnace had used or it would blow a fuse inside. The tank had to be drained, cleaned, and raised several feet. The kerosene couldn't be delivered when we had hoped. But now it is in and we are warm. ________________ Last night was a stretch for me. The 4-H moms met after a homeschool meeting, so that we could figure out the calendar and objectives for our club next year. It was nearly midnight when I got home- usual bedtime is 9:30!! The group of moms is a great mix, and we have fun together, so a late night wasn't as bad as it may seem. Our little club is in for some real growth this year as our children have grown and now must take more responsibility for activities.

A little before 9 last night my husband called to say he was on his way home. I guess I spoke in a cheery manner, and he asked what was up; I haven't had that voice in a while. Most of the things that were causing me stress are in the past now, and it is good to be through it. I hope my mind comes back to me now. I forgot to give my husband a phone message a few days ago. I so completely forgot, that when the situation that the phone message was about presented itself, I still didn't give him the message!!! I hate having that absent-minded feeling. _________________ My parents are arriving today to visit for a few days. My dad will be installing our new heater. I turned the furnace on last night, and 62 degrees feels SO much better than 50 something. The "new" bathroom is a lot warmer too. Amazing what some insulation can do! _________________ We finished 6 weeks of co-op yesterday. The boys took sign language, PE, a class on the USS Constitution, fish art, and spiritual dance. I taught an economics class and helped with a baking class. We very much love co-op. We love to see it come and love to see it go!

Some DC highlights and commentary: I was surprised by how clean everything was. The Metro was very clean, no grafitti or trash anywhere. You are not to eat, drink, or play music on the Metro- and no one did! Everyone I rode near was polite and talked with our group. It was not the stereotyped scenario that I expected. I felt safe everywhere we went, even after dark. The Library of Congress is beautiful. The Capitol building is also beautiful. The White House, by comparison, is ok. I do not know how they have parties in the "ballroom"; it didn't seem big enough. Washington Monument is bigger than you realize. It looks over the whole area we were in, but when you get up next to it, then you realize, this thing is HUGE! Getting stuck in the HOV lane, and missing our exit, gave us the opportunity to drive past the Washington Monument and Lincoln Memorial. The sunshine, green grass, and tourists combined to make a lovely beginning to our trip. My husband and I look at that experience differently! _______________ Thoughts from The Return of The Prodigal Son: We identify with the older and younger sons, but do we identify with the Father? If we are to emulate Christ so much that we become like him, then we will also become as the Father. Do I wait with open arms and run to forgive the one who has wished my death? Or do I turn my back? ______________ All of the baby rabbits died.

Well, I discovered last night that I am/have been more stressed than I realized. I went to my study group, having prepared the 2 lessons I thought we were doing, only to find out they are 2 lessons ahead of that. I evidently had already read these 2 lessons AND discussed them, and had no recollection of it at all!!! I don't remember reading it before or discussing it with anyone. The funny thing is, I got a lot out of the reading this time, that I must not have the first time (I didn't have any previous notes). So, this is from Agnes Sanford: "The One who knew said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." Happy, that is, are those people who know that their spiritual power is small, that their creeds are imperfect, that their instruction concerning God and man is incomplete. Happy are those who know that they do not know all of truth. For only those who admit their spiritual poverty are willing to learn. "Let us understand then, that if our experiment fails (asking for something in prayer), it is not due to a lack in God, but to a natural and understandable lack in ourselves. What scientist would be discouraged if his first experiment failed? Since we intend with His help to heal our shortcomings, to repair our wiring, we need not fear to test His power by prayer....Moreover, the attaining of such things in prayer involves the swaying of more minds than ours, and is rather difficult... How strange it is that people who fear to do this do not hesitate to pray for the most difficult objectives of all, such as the peace of the world or the salvation of their souls! If they have so little confidence in prayer that they do not dare to test their powers of contacting God by praying for an easy thing, it is probable that their cosmic intercessions are of little force. If everyone who prayed for the peace of the world had enough prayer-power to accomplish the healing of a head cold, this would be a different world within 24 hours." Amen! It was interesting to me that no one else seemed to enjoy Agnes Sanford's excerpt. Since I evidently didn't get anything out of it the first time, perhaps you need to have a bad week to grasp what she is saying.

My husband reads several books at once. It has always amazed me. I read one thing at a time, but because of circumstances out of my control, I am now reading several books at once. The following are excerpts from a selection by Andre Louf: "Nobody can learn how to see. For seeing is something we can do by nature. So too with prayer. Authentic prayer can never be learnt from someone else. It has its own instructor within it. Prayer is God's gift to him who prays....So long as we ourselves were still intent on the Word of God in our heart, we had come no further than the prelude. There comes a moment when we yield up God's Word to the Spirit within us. Then it is that our heart gives birth to prayer. And then at last the Word of God has become truly ours...And then the Name of Jesus has become our name also...Having now been chewed over and assimilated, it is regenerated in the heart, to the praise of God. It has taken root in us and is now bearing its fruit: we in our turn utter the Word and send it back to God. We have become Word; we are prayer.....The Spirit stammers it out in our heart, without our doing anything about it. ...We are still in the world, and we dwell already with Jesus near the Father. We still live in the flesh, and the Spirit has made us wholly captive. For the veil has fallen from our heart, and with unveiled faces we reflect like mirrors the glory and brightness of Jesus, as we ourselves are being recreated in His image, from glory to glory, by His Sprit (2 Cor 3:18)." I enjoyed the way Louf spoke of growing in prayer. I read today a selection by Agnes Sanford on prayer. I'll share some of that tomorrow. I am also reading another Nouwen book, Return of the Prodigal Son, and it struck me in several ways. If only I had time to sit and mull over such things. Hopefully it will stay near the front of my brain as I trudge through the day today.

7 a.m. and the day has already had a full start. The time change is difficult. The kids were up before 6 this morning- thinking it was nearly 7. Catching Millie is difficult, too, since she can get out of the pen. We didn't get to fix that before our trip and now I am paying for it. Christa had 6 baby bunnies yesterday. One was dead this morning. I think it fell out of the nest and froze. There didn't appear to be anything wrong with it. Lost the last litter to heat. _______________ Why do I keep finding sharks' teeth in the washer? There must be a shark in the septic somewhere. The boys pick up the teeth along the road and put them in their pockets. _______________ Reading back over the last few entries, I noticed that I spoke of the silence of death the very day that Grandma entered it. _______________ One highlight from DC: I was NOT impressed with the White House. It doesn't seem as grand as the WH ought to be. There are many other buildings in DC on a grand scale, so it isn't that they weren't able to build something better. Later, I thought perhaps it is because our country wasn't founded on a dictatorship and so the house of the people (Congress) is made to look grander.

Well, I am back again. The funeral went well. It was good to see how many people Grandma touched. The remarks from family were especially meaningful. It was difficult to leave the mountain top. As we drove away, I thought of how an era is now over. The grandparents are all gone now. Visiting the farm won't ever be the same again. ____________________ Hubby and I came home for one day to get things back in order and then pack for the DC trip. We left the kids in WV with the grandparents since they were joining the 4-Hers in DC. It was a great trip. We were able to navigate the Metro very well, and plan to make another trip in the near future. There was so much to see that we pretty much did an overview of everything. We saw Arlington Cemetery, monuments at night, the zoo, White House, Capitol, Air and Space and Natural History Museums, went up Washington's Monument, Vietnam Memorial, National Archives, and an exhibit on the Bible at the Sackler Gallery. We were very, very, very tired when we got back. Now I have to get everything unpacked and back in the routine. More highlights later. ____________________ Trunk-or-Treat was last night at church. We had a nice turn out. I don't know if there were as many as last year, but everyone seemed to be taking the time to stop and talk a minute. Our prayer is that people will see Christ in us through this event and want to come to know Christ in themselves.

It has been such a week. It seems every time I turn around I am handed more bad news. Last night I came home from church and went out to feed. When I came in, I could tell by my husband's face that there was more bad news. My mom had called while I was out. My grandmother died while they were at church. It was quick and unexpected. It seems she probably had a heart attack. Her husband died of a heart attack just after I was married and she has been widowed since. She was a good woman, though often sad and depressed. She lost a son over 60 years ago and never got over it. She missed her husband terribly. She was terrified that her father will be sentenced to Hell at the Judgment. She was appalled at the world around her and its neglect of God. She was passionate about her Lord and Savior. The memories I hold of her are mostly in the kitchen, either at her old home or the one she has lived in since Papaw died. I see her turn over the lids on the coal burning stove to see if it is ready for the cooking pot. I smell the strong soap she used for everything. I remember the circus peanuts in the cupboard, playing dominoes at the table, fabulous chocolate cake. She was always ready to feed you, even if she just ate and cleaned the kitchen. I always said she only ever cooked one meal, she had been adding to it ever since. She always had beans, bread, and applesauce, usually ham, and then, whatever cans she could open to add to it. I remember her garden, loose leaf lettuce salads with oil dressing, pansies around a tree, and constant worry. After I heard of her death last night, I thanked God that she is done worrying. May she be rejoicing with the angels in Heaven at viewing her Lord and Savior that she looked forward to meeting for so long.

The only highlight yesterday was my date. The trip's miscommunications, a dead rooster, no real answer to the chicken dilemma, too much time on the phone...need I go on? I have a great looking husband, who still opens doors, even in the rain, and it was nice to catch him stealing glances at me, even with a haircut. We came home and watched another movie that had come in the mail. So I was able to forget my troubles for a little while. I was thinking about the silence of death this morning. (Perhaps I needed more silence!) I went out this morning to take care of the animals and had to clean out the cage that Red had died in. I disposed of his body and poured water through the cage. Listening to the quiet morning sounds and the rush of water in the bucket gave me a feeling of solitude. It was enjoyable on a spiritual level.

Satan was on the Warpath yesterday! First of all, I hate, despise, can't stand to talk on the phone. The whole day was spent on the phone. The hotel we reserved for our big 4-H trip- that we have planned all year- did not have our reservation. Call the travel agent; she's out of town until Thursday. Make many more calls. The Extension Agent did not have an answer for my sick chickens. The manager for the oil company wasn't in. Also called the National Park Service---it is suppposed to be safe to go on the National Mall after dark. Call the 4-H families to update them. Call the in-laws to catch them up on things; they are also going on the trip. Mom called at 9:20 pm. On top of all of that...#5 hadn't had a nap the day before and was very weepy, the kids had trouble with schoolwork, the hair salon lost my name and I sat there for 2 hours. So it was a rough day, but Satan lost. I didn't yell at anyone, nor hide away in a dark room with some chocolate. Today I get a date with my husband. It should be a great day!

I have 2 sick chickens and a dead cat. I don't know if the two are connected or an odd coincidence, but I am calling the Extension Agent today to come and check on things. Hopefully it is just a virus that will be over soon. I have baby chicks and a duckling in with the rabbits and have baby bunnies due soon, so I need the space that the sick chicken is taking up in the rabbit hutch. ________________ I haven't heard from Guatemala, but the other family seems pleased that things aren't as bad as they could have been. The father felt like the daughter wasn't in mortal danger, but moral, perhaps. ________________ I had such a nice talk with a friend after church yesterday. I sometimes feel like I am drying up here. A good, long, honest, spiritual discussion is what I needed. Also, during church, I felt an intense urge that a former student of ours, Iliaba, needed prayers. I was moved to tears for her. I have no idea what was going on, but I lifted her to the Father, and I know that He knows.

We had our first frost this morning. I have been seeing the snow they have had recently up North, and thankful that we are in the South. I felt sorry for the little chicks and duckling that had to be in such cold their first night here, but they survived fine. I heard from an old friend today, via email. It is always so good to hear from friends out of the blue. I can't wait for Heaven. Other friends are on my mind today. One couple is to arrive in Guatemala today to meet their daughter for the first time. They are adopting a little girl and will get her back home next week. The other friend is on his way to protect his daughter from a possible predator. She is at college and is meeting a guy from Canada that she met on-line several months ago. Two very different missions, one purpose for both- grab hold of the one you love and protect her as well as you can. May God bless both families.

I was accosted by goats this morning. They can all get into the pen when I try to milk Millie, so now there is no peace. Darkie is a climber, with graceful, slender legs that end in sharp little hoofs. She likes to climb up my back and chew on my clothes. Today- not the first time- she took a running leap and landed in my lap! It is difficult to milk a goat and have another leap into your lap, landing on sharp little hooves. So I will be repairing the pen this weekend. ______________ Now, here is a story for you! I received a call from a friend last night wanting to ask a question. Could I possibly adopt 3 chickens and a duck from her friend? The story went on...She has them in her attic. WHAT?! Well because a snake ate 2 of the chickens she needs to get rid of them. She has a snake in her attic, too?! No, the snake was outside, that's why she had them in the attic. So why didn't she have a pen for them? Because they were for a wedding. WHAT?! I said this is funnier than a HillBilly story! So I spoke to the friend and gave her directions. She will arrive with the animals this morning. But we are only fostering the duck, "When it turns white can I have it back to give to my neighbor?" Strange.

We have been having trouble with our server the last few days. I called yesterday, and talked to a guy in Carlisle, PA. We used to get on the turnpike in Carlisle! Anyway, he was able to give me some help and hopefully we will stop having these difficulties. ___________________ Reading a new book by Nouwen, The Journey to Daybreak. Today it was this that struck me: Nouwen was visiting with a journalist who told this story about his four-year-old daughter. A bird had flown into the window and died. They had a small family funeral and the dad asked the daughter if she wanted to pray. "Yes. Dear God, We buried this bird. Please take good care of it, and if you don't I'll kill you. Amen." Nouwen said this shows the heart of a human. When you are afraid (she was worried for the bird), you kick into survival mode- kill or be killed. How you react as an adult, depends on who has taught you. I was taught by such good people all through my life. I had a great childhood, good church, friendly small town. I married a man who had the same. I have had good friends. How different would my life be if I hadn't had these advantages? Thank you God for the blessings of my life.

We picked up the kids' fair entries yesterday. Here is the final count: #1- one first place for his Ancient Roman Barnyard, four second places, three third places, one honorable mention, and 2 participations. That was a total of $21.50 in prize money! #2- three first places for his wooden stagecoach, a collage, and his essay, two second places, and five third places. His total was $24!! We are very proud of our boys. ____________________ I finished Can You Drink The Cup? this morning. It ends by speaking of James and John's request to sit at the right hand of Jesus..."as for seats at my right hand and my left, these are not mine to grant; they belong to those to whom they have been allotted by my Father (Mt 20:23). Drinking the cup is not a heroic act with a nice reward! It is not part of a tit-for-tat agreement. Drinking the cup is an act of selfless love, an act of immense trust, an act of surrender to a God who will give what we need when we need it. "Jesus' inviting us to drink the cup without offering the reward we expect is the great challenge of the spiritual life. It breaks through all human calculations and expectations. It defies all our wishes to be sure in advance. It turns our hope for a predictable future upside down and pulls down our self-invented safety devices. It asks for the most radical trust in God, the same trust that made Jesus drink the cup to the bottom. "Drinking the cup that Jesus drank is living a life in and with the spirit of Jesus, which is the spirit of unconditional love. The intimacy between Jesus and Abba, his Father, is an intimacy of complete trust, in which there are no power games, no mutually agreed upon promises, no advance guarantees. It is only love- pure, unrestrained, and unlimited love. Completely open, completely free. That intimacy gave Jesus the strength to drink his cup. That same intimacy Jesus wants to give us so that we can drink ours. That intimacy has a name, a Divine Name. It is called Holy Spirit. Living a spiritual life is living a life in which the Holy Spirit will guide us and give us the strength and courage to keep saying yes to the great question."

We participate in something called "co-op" with other homeschoolers. We meet once a week for 6 weeks and the moms offer classes for kids to take together. It has been a great opportunity for our family and many others. My boys have taken classes like P.E., baking, sign language, drama, art, and The USS Constitution. I have offered classes on citizenship, economics, music, and other topics. The kids have so thoroughly enjoyed these weeks that they now go sit in the van up to TWO HOURS early so they can be ready to go!!! We also have had co-ops of our own, last year one on science topics and one on insects. This fall we have a geography co-op that is learning about the 50 states. I have been thanked several times by #1 for arranging that co-op. He likes public speaking, and the kids have to present on their state every other week. It was a lot more commitment than I am used to (14 weeks), but I think it has been well worth it. I love being involved in what and how my children are learning. I can't imagine life any differently now. Last night, #1 was remembering when he was in public school. He said it was an awful lot of sitting and being quiet. Not much of a memory compared to what he gets at home.

In Can You Drink The Cup?, Nouwen talks about living life to the fullest- drinking your cup to the bottom. He talks about how difficult that can be at times. He then talks about Jesus's life. He was a man of honor, glory, celebration, well-loved, and also a man who received spite, hatred, mass pursecution. Yet, he drank his cup to the bottom, taking the good with the bad. And by doing so, he came closer to the Father. If we want to do the same, then we must drink all that life has to offer us. He also spoke about people leaving you (as in moving away or changing their life's direction), and how hurt and sad you can be when they do. His perspective was to live with people now so as to give them your love and attention, so that when they leave you they can pass it on to others. It is like being a friend as a mission. For someone who moves often, it was an interesting way to think about friendship.

Well, I made it through yesterday without baking a pie. I didn't get done half of what needed doing, so I can't imagine what I was thinking trying to make a pie. I don't even think I will get to the pie today. Sorry, Honey. As I looked around the "farmette" this morning, I wondered how people get everything done and still go to a job. My grandmother told me the other day of a neighbor who is a farmer and he has another full-time job. On top of that his wife works and they have three small children. I can't imagine what their bathroom looks like! I thought this morning, that it is a good thing God makes things grow without much help from us, or nothing would be growing around here! The flowers are blooming all over the yard, and it is not any of my doing other than planting- and not even all of them were planted by me! Some beautiful, red flowers popped up last week all on their own.

I am the most strong-willed, stubborn, irritating woman! I have spent the last nine months trying to slow down my life, to put aside the unnecessary, to care for my family in a non-stressful environment, and yet, when something good comes up, I just have to do it. There is a pie baking contest at the fair today, and the pies are served to the senior citizens. I like to bake, I owe my husband a pie, and it would be a good way to serve others, so I intended to be in the contest. But my last couple of weeks have been hectic and I can tell things are getting out of hand. So I told myself that if I can get to it fine, but if not that is fine, too. UNTIL, my husband told me I am not allowed to be in the contest. Now, he said that because he knows I have struggled with this busy lifestyle, and he is trying to help me. But just the fact that he told me I can't do it, made me want to do it all the more! How can I still be struggling with such a simple thing like submission to my loving husband? I hate rules and being told I can't do something. I like being an adult and making my own decisions. In being told what to do, I felt an electricity go through me that was full of challenge and spite. How can I possibly be submissive to God, deep within my heart, when I can not acknowledge the good my husband intends for me by helping me slow down my life? I thought I was past this- pride does goeth before a fall.

I started reading another Nouwen book, Can You Drink This Cup?, today. Again, he did a great job. Just the introduction was enough to cause lots of contemplation. I especially picked up on the thought that we each have our own cup to hold. Everyone has sorrows, just different kinds. If you compare your sorrows to someone else's you will have a different attitude about them than if you just look to Christ to help you through them. _________________ I got to go to a lecture last night sponsored by the university and a local church. I enjoyed thinking about things in a new light. The speaker was able to put into words what I have been thinking for quite a while. She gave an example of women reading the book of Ruth and then commenting on it. They all read the same book and came out with many opposing views, because of the life experiences they brought to the reading. It was good to get out and stretch my mind a bit. Thanks to my buddy for babysitting so hubby and I could "stretch" together.

What a weekend! It was very busy, taking care of 4-H and fair projects, with little rest. The weekend is supposed to be for rest, but I think I feel rested just from the knowledge that it is over with. The boys have entered 21 exhibits at the fair this week! The prize money is what gets them to do it. ___________________________ #2 certainly keeps his guardian angels busy. He has always been a risk taker, climber, face to the wind type of person. Yesterday he wanted to play in the ditch because he saw a couple young frogs. He was covered in mud from head to toe, and he smelled like a dead fish. He had to have 2 showers to get clean- the one he thought that worked and then the one that Mom showed him the dirt. On Saturday he was climbing in the tree in the front yard. He showed me how he had made a tight rope and was trying to walk on it. Later, unknown to me, he nearly hanged himself. I found out later from my husband that he found him with the rope tied around his waist and his neck, hanging from the tree. I guess #1 was trying to help him back into the tree. Dad thinks he fell out; he wasn't trying to hang himself at least. ___________________________ Church was interesting yesterday. The communion thoughts were on cannibalism and what the early Romans thought of christians. The idea that we are eating and drinking Christ's flesh and blood is quite solemn. To take into us the very life of God and become like Him- wow. Hubby is also becoming a better preacher. He has more of a passion about him now.

Exhaustion and 2 Benadryl is a deadly combination. I was up way past my bedtime last night, worked a very full day, and had horrible allergy sneezing fits. I was dead to the world after the medication took effect. Last night my children were confused. Their normally patient, gentle, and calm mother was going off the deep end. Their room was so cluttered you couldn't walk through it. I needed them to clean things out to prepare for a yard sale tomorrow. They came up with 2 puzzles. So I jumped in with both feet and we got rid of a lot. I made them clean, clean, clean, and ended at 10:00 saying we will finish this tomorrow. They have a hard time knowing what to throw away- get that after their father's side of the family- and so we had to work on what is worthy of keeping. The recycling box is nearly full now, and there are toys waiting in the hallway to be priced, but what bothers me is their attitude. They have no idea how blessed they are to have this dilemma. They don't realize how much they have they don't even know they have. They leave money lying around and don't seem to understand its worth. I know their parents have tried hard to not let that happen, but happen it did. I suppose it is one of the costs of being an American.

It was 52 degrees again this morning. That's two days in a row, so maybe we have a trend. It is nice for milking- no more mosquitoes! I heard from my uncle yesterday and the stove should arrive by Tuesday. Hopefully now we can find someone who is willing to install it. My study this week was about meditation and contemplation. The author draws a line of difference, but those of us in the study group don't see much difference. The English language is full of ambiguouity (and words that are hard to spell!). I was pleased yesterday to hear #1 say he is looking forward to today because of art class. He didn't like last year's class because you just sit and draw and paint and sit! I guess they get to move around a bit more in this session.

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. We had a nice dinner at the local Japanese Steakhouse and then got a sitter to watch the kids while we went to a movie. It was a free preview movie. It's a Christian movie and was offered to pastors and their families as a free date night. They will be opening this month in the area. I have to say I didn't enjoy it enough to want to pay movie prices for it. There were some scenes that were obviously wrong, there was an actor that was over-acting, and it was unbelievable in its Christian conversations. I just read a book that was a christian romance. I felt the same about the book. I wonder why flagrantly christian books and movies annoy me? I know nobody talks this way, and I like my entertainment to be believable. (Therefore, I DON'T like James Bond movies!) Why can't we have good, clean, pure entertainment that isn't annoying?

Millie is finally starting to be agreeable in the mornings. (Knock on wood) The last few mornings she went up on the stand the first time and put her head right where it goes. This morning I didn't even have to try and coax her. She jumped right up and went to eating! I hope it lasts. Now the problem is getting Darkie to stay out of the way. She is such a slim goat that she can squeeze through the fence and get in the pen while I am milking. She tries to get to Millie's feed and that makes Millie jump around. Darkie is such a pretty goat- my favorite, I suppose- that it is hard for me to get irritated at her. My husband and #2 went through the corn field and picked up the left over corn yesterday. The goats and chickens think it is wonderful. I thought maybe I married Ruth! _________________ I was interested in the way meditation was described in my devotional yesterday. It said, it is not an emptying of your mind, as in other types of meditations, but a filling of your mind with God. I liked that.

Commitment. It is a strong word. It can be positive or negative. You can be committed to marriage or to an insane asylum. You can have commitment to a group or to ideas. Being healthy takes commitment to exercise and diet. Commitment is talked about all around us. But it doesn't make the job of committing any easier. College students who don't want to commit to living a godly life, just yet. People who don't want to commit to marriage, just yet. I'll commit to exercising after the New Year. Pencil me in, but I can't commit. I am committed to being in this marriage for life. I am committed to love my children, regardless. I am committed to God, no matter what he asks or where he sends. That is a lot to say, and it isn't said flippantly, but knowing that I am committed, and letting others know, somehow makes the commitment easier. Tell those you love your commitments today.

Well, I am back. I haven't gone anywhere, except to my sickbed. Something grabbed hold of me on Wednesday night and has not wanted to let go. I had a short reprieve yesterday and went to the WVU-ECU game with my in-laws and family. Perhaps I should have stayed home. I did stay home from church this morning though, and decided to read Hebrews while I lay in bed. Chapters 5 and 6 really grabbed my attention. The writer is talking about his audience being older in the faith but still needing to eat like a baby. He encourages them to go beyond the basic teachings of the faith and move on to more mature teachings. The basics he says are: repentance from acts that lead to death, faith in God, instruction about baptism, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. These are the main themes I have heard about all of my life!! Why are we still teaching the "basic elementary truths"? The problem is that the writer doesn't go on to tell what we ought to be talking about. Maybe the problem is that there are always new people in the church and they need to hear these things. Perhaps that is where the spiritual growth group comes in; a group of peers who can help you grow in your faith and take the journey with you to maturity.

What a beautiful morning we are having. I watched the sunrise this morning from the bedroom window. You can't actually see it rise there now- the earth is changing position- but I saw the sky changing. There was a small cloud above the tree line, that gave the illusion of a mountain in the distance. Sometimes I miss "home". _________________ I was reading Thomas More this morning. The devotion was about God being everything and trying to be like Him. I was thinking how do I try to be like God, and then thought about how my children try to be like their parents or others they emulate. They try wearing someone's shoes, try to perform tasks, talk certain ways. I always look at this with pleasure, even when they fail miserably. I guess God must do the same when I try to be like Him, even if it isn't anything close. _________________ Just have to brag! #1 received the State Gold Award in 4-H for one of his projects!!!

My husband is trying to find a time that he can make a meeting. Last week and this week he was busy every night. The busy-ness is good...spending time with the family at a 4-H campfire, being in a spiritual growth group, dinner guests...but really how do you live being busy every night? His job is structured so that he can take an afternoon Sabbath, but what about all of those people who can't? When did this happen in America? Was it the invention of the car? tv? addition of roads? Why does it seem, that even when we intentionally try to slow down, it remains nearly impossible? _____________________ I am curious, if anyone is reading this, when do you pray during the day? And what do you pray about? I started thinking today about all of the times I pray during the day. I would love to have a couple hours to just sit, meditate, and pray, but I don't. So my prayers are on the run, or the first 20 minutes as I wake, during times of stress- what you might call "counting to 10". I pray during my walks about the neighborhood that is developing next to us. Today I met one of the neighbors that moved in this weekend. Hopefully we can develop a relationship.

I got a 15 minute late start this morning and now the whole morning is behind schedule. Here are several thoughts I have had lately. _____________________________ My younger son has wanted a certain jacket ever since his brother got one last year. Finally, Friday we went to get one for him. He wants it hung in his room, not on the coat rack with other coats, and if it isn't hanging in his room, it is on his body. Even though it isn't cold enough to wear it, he wants to. It makes him feel good. I don't know that I have wanted anything so badly that then I spent the next week using it or wearing it constantly. The simple life of a child. _____________________________ This is the most spidery place I have ever lived. The house and barn are full of different kind of spiders. The garden, as well, is covered. But yesterday evening, as the sun set, my husband pointed out a horrible thing to me. The sun was going down over the yard and you could see through its glint that the whole yard, THE WHOLE YARD!, is covered with strings of webbing. ______________________________ Boys are clueless. #1 wiped his chicken poop covered foot all over the rug to clean it off. Why not clean it in the hose!? ______________________________ How do people live on one income if the wife wants to stay home? I have tried to think of what we could change and there are some things we would have to do without, but it would be a sacrifice for sure. No DSL, no cell phone, no new windows or heater, a much more used van, less travel. But when I look at that list, it does seem worth it to have these years with my family. ______________________________ I talked with my uncle last night in CA. He is going to sell us a heater at a much better price than I can get here. Anyway, as we talked he told me an interesting chicken story. He took some chickens to auction yesterday and it was 30 degrees out. (Yes, in CA!) By the time he got to the auction 2 of the little banties had died from the cold. He gathered the other chickens and took them in to the sale. When he came back out- to a warmer day- the chickens that had frozen to death had come back to life!

I went wild last night! After dinner I took my usual brief nap and then I got on the computer- always a time waster!- then I had to feed late at about 8:00. When I got back in, still needing to clean up from dinner, I told my husband I needed a date and I needed it NOW! So I went to Blockbuster and rented a couple movies. We stayed up late watching Saint Ralph. I never did clean the kitchen. It was funny, as I drove to the rental store, I kept telling myself this is crazy. It's almost your bedtime now. And there was also this thrill of, I can actually do this. I can go get a movie late at night and have a date with my man! I guess there are times when I am still a teenager. ______________________ The movie was cute. Filmed in Hamilton, Ontario, where I was this summer, it was interesting to try to picture things. It is labelled a family movie, but I would definitely not watch it with my children. It is about a boy who needs a miracle and thinks God told him to run the Boston Marathon.

A friend was telling me how stressed and frustrated she has been this week. She thought it was because she needs a break and had a taste of one over the weekend. She needed some fun to relieve the stress. I was telling her that I often feel that way, but lately I have been getting more of a break by staying home and enjoying the slowness of a quiet life. I started thinking about a time, years ago, when I decided to read the Bible every day and get through it in a year. It took 6 months for it to become a habit- something I missed if I didn't get to it. It has also taken me about 9 months now to become aware of how the quiet life helps me. Habits take a lot longer for me than the statistics say. ___________________________ I am finally getting milk out of Millie that is worth keeping. She is also starting to produce enough that it may be worth my getting up to milk her. I don't think she will ever supply our family with milk, but we should be able to get by with buying half of what we did. Now if she would just settle down- STUBBORN! To get that goat in a stanchion for milking is a morning workout all its own.

I broke the rules and now I am paying for it. I was running errands yesterday and didn't get everything done, what I did get started didn't get finished, I stayed up late, and the kitchen was not quite clean when I retired for the night. So now I am paying for it. I did manage to get in my prayer and meditation time, the walk will have to wait for tomorrow. ___________________ I am rereading The Genesee Diary and I liked this this morning: (This is actually an excerpt he quotes from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.) "To the untrained eye ego-climbing and selfless climbing may appear identical. Both kinds of climbers place one foot in front of the other. Both breathe in and out at the same rate. Both stop when tired. Both go forward when rested. But what a difference! The ego-climber's like an instrument that's out of adjustment. He puts his foot down an instant too soon or too late. He's likely to miss a beautiful passage of sunlight through the trees. He goes on when the sloppiness of his step shows he's tired. He rests at odd times. He looks up the trail trying to see what's ahead even when he knows what's ahead because he looked just a second before. He goes too fast or too slow for the conditions and when he talks his talk is forever about somewhere else, something else. He's here, but he's not here. He rejects the here, is unhappy with it, wants to be farther up the trail but when he gets there will be just as unhappy because then the 'it' will be here. What he is looking for, what he wants, is all around him, but he doesn't want that because it is all around him. Every step's an effort both physically and spiritually because he imagines his goal to be external and distant." Too often in my life I have been looking forward or backward. I need to be more conscious of the here and enjoy the here being here.

As I rose from bed this morning, and stumbled into the bathroom, I noticed the rising sun, the pink colors of the sky, and thought how beautiful. During my walk, I listened to the birds calling their "Good Mornings", and the answering call of the crickets. It was nature's song I was listening to. I began to wonder if this is what it is like for God to listen to his creation praise him. The sun was sparkling through the morning mist giving the appearance of a heavenly choir. It was all too perfect and I joined in the praise and worship. I thought I would come home and write a poem of praise to God, but then my husband showed me an article in the morning paper. A woman was stabbed to death yesterday just a few doors down from us. How can all of nature praise the Creator and, at the same time, His highest form of creation can be performing such evil? God must have such extreme emotions of pleasure and sorrow.

I was thinking of walking this morning. I noticed yesterday that an elderly gentleman at church is now parking in the handicapped space at church. He used to park far away and walk so that others could park closer. He has been trying to act as if he doesn't need a cane for a long time now. I guess he finally had to give in to it. Then there is Joyce, whom I pick up for church on Sundays. She is an older lady who uses a walker cane to get around. She had knee surgery a while back but just isn't doing well. Some mornings she moves very slowly and often starts to fall over. My mother-in-law walks 3 miles in the morning with a neighbor. She keeps moving like she's still 20. A young neighbor around me walks by often, but never speaks. I try to say, "Good morning" but he just looks the other way. Friendly chap. I like to walk. I like looking around me. I like the change in my posture and the good breathing. But when I have to get 5 kids somewhere, I am glad we aren't walking.

Another sermon on the will of God. This time it was how Jesus followed the will of God. There are a lot of things I don't like to do, and things that I hope I never have to do, but I have never been asked to do anything that will cost me my life like Christ was asked. To have the strength to make that his will too is amazing. _____________________ #2 found a slug after church today. It must have been 6 inches long! He let it crawl all over hi hand and arm and then had a terrible time washing off the slime- it is vey sticky. I certainly have "all boy" sons. _____________________ The college kids are coming over tonight, so a little nap now and then clean up the house. I love Sunday afternoons.

A couple of people have asked me recently what does it mean practically for you to live a quiet life. I actually have been thinking about that all year, but I think I am finally starting to come to some conclusions. This was helpful for me in The Genesee Diary: ...he felt it was crucial for me to find concrete ways to prevent myself from drowning in activities and concerns on my return home. We had often discussed my tendency to become overinvolved, to be carried away by sudden enthusiasm, to accept too many invitations, and to invest too much energy without considering whether or not it was worth it. If I want to maintain a steady prayer life and keep a certain purity of heart in the midst of all my actions, I need to set limits and find ways to say "no" more often. It seems there is my answer. I also get too enthusiastic and don't think things through all of the way. I don't want to say no to so many opportunities. But I am realizing that I have to in order to keep a closer relationship with God. Setting limits is becoming more and more necessary for me. I really don't like limits or rules, but I have found they make my life better. For instance, I must go to bed by 9:30 so that I have the energy the next day to get moving in time to accomplish what I need to and still have my devotional time. I have found I can skip one or maybe two days of devotions, but after that I get stressed, tired, confused, and worthless. That makes the whole day go wrong and then the whole family starts down the same path. For the sake of my family's spiritual health I have to go to bed early. It has become important to me to keep to a structure for the day- not necessarily a timed schedule, but a sequence. In order to form continuity, and to complete tasks, I need to follow that sequence. For instance, the first 2 hours of the day are spent in prayer, devotional reading, meditation, exercise, work, and grooming. That sets the pace for the day. Afternoons have a sequence of cleaning, schooling, preparing dinner, rest, visiting with my husband. Evenings are tied more closely to family- feeding, working outside, sharing a prayer, reading a book together. The sequence can be disrupted by a friend's visit, a trip, a change in schedule, but I am better able to handle that disruption if the morning's 2 hour routine isn't changed and if I follow the rules the other days, like the kitchen must be cleaned before I go to bed. Also an attitude of patience and serenity can make the rush and hurriedness of a changed schedule turn out to be a pleasant shift. Not hurrying to do anything seems to be one of the major ways to remain in a "quiet life mode". I think another thing that I have had to face this year is realizing that the children don't have to be exposed to everything and they don't have to try everything- sports, band, whatever. There is a time to be in a sport, but one is enough. There is a time to try an instrument, but it can not interfere with other priorities. It is hard sometimes to make this decision for your children, especially when you see other families making the choice to play an instrument, take dance, and play sports, as well as be in a play or concert choir. They look ok on the outside, and maybe they are able to do that and be ok on the inside, but it doesn't work for us. My children will not be social outcasts as adults because they can't play the violin, nor will anyone care that they didn't play 3 sports during the fifth grade. Hopefully this decision will make them better children of God. I guess that is where I am so far. A quiet life is one that starts the day with God and quietness, that has a structure or sequence to the days, is slow and patient, and doesn't look to others for comparison.

Baby Lydia was born this morning at 6:52, weighing 8 pounds and 5 ounces and measuring 21 inches. Mother and child are fine. I am an aunt again. I looked at the moon last night and thought it might be the night. _________________________ The boys went on a field trip yesterday to make pottery. They had a wonderful time, but I think the most fun for them was riding in a motor boat. The pottery class was at a friend's grandmother's house and the grandfather took them out on the lake. _________________________ My spiritual exercise this week is to pray without asking for anything. I thought it might be difficult, but didn't realize HOW difficult. I can't even ask for the safety of my children as they drive on the highway far from home. But it has made me look at life from a different perspective. I am praising and thanking God a lot more. Instead of asking for His protection of my children, I thanked Him for friends that I trust to take my children, for opportunities like pottery and boating, and then thankfulness for a safe return. It makes me see that God knows what I need before I ask and that He is the Giver of All Gifts. I already knew it, but it makes me much more aware of it.

I spoke last night at the homeschool meeting on the topic of lesson planning. A rather boring topic and one that doesn't provide much conversation, so we got to visit a lot. Yeah!! I have to say how proud I was of myself. I made a power point presentation and spoke from that instead of notes. I hooked up the computer to the projector, with a bit of help from the manager, and made it through the presentation without one technological glitch! I still don't like technology- I would rather talk to you face to face, I'm not even crazy about the phone- but at least I went at this with confidence. It was good to see old friends after the summer. One has put her oldest child in private school and I was interested to see how that went. She said it is going great and they are really happy with the decision. She was trying to work through the guilt of not having her daughter at home, but letting someone else teach her and instill her values. I don't think homeschooling is for everyone and if it works better for them to be at school, by all means send them. I was also able to verbalize my new relaxed state of schooling. I have been thinking through things for a month or more about my philosophy of homeschooling. This was the first time I was able to put into words what I think my conclusion is. We will take each day as it comes. I have a plan or road map for where we are going, but if there are detours I will patiently deal with them. It is not important that we do all of the math and grammar, or even read all of the great books. It doesn't matter if we go to all of the neat places or if we participate in all of the great events. My children will be exposed to many things through living with us. They will learn a lot because we value education. I love my children and will see that they get the best of what I can give them. And the best that I can give them is an environment of peace and stillness, a place where God can enter their hearts and lives.

Sunday's sermon series now is on the will of God. I don't know exactly where I stand on the will of God. I do think God is still active in the comings and goings on of the world- he has not just sat back and let things happen. And yet, I don't think He has made everything happen that has happened. He can answer a prayer, but is it the will of God or is it the kindness of a Father granting his child's desire? Our older son was born with a strawberry birthmark on his chest that looked like a heart, sort of like the Care Bear's heart. The doctor pointed it out to me, so it wasn't just the fancyof a parent. I always wondered if that was God's way of saying here is a gift of love from your Father (we weren't to be able to have children) or was it a sign that God had marked my child for something special? I have a strong feeling that my husband's role in the Kingdom is to unite Christ's followers. I can say that I think that is God's will, but does everything that happens to us mean then that it is God's will, preparing my husband for the time when he will fulfill that role? Does God just use the things that happen to us to help prepare us for what His will is for us? Lots of questions, not many answers. __________________________ Also Sunday, as I went to help with communion, I caught my husband checking me out! It was a nice feeling, after nearly 17 years he still thinks I am worthy of a twice over.

In today's reading Nouwen was talking about the same struggle I have- Can I serve Jesus no matter what? The abbot said if he would meditate on Jesus until he became one with him, then he would be able to serve Jesus no matter what. Nouwen was unsure though, "What if I meditate in such a way as to make Jesus like me, and not really show him the real self?" It would be just like being with friends, showing them the best you and saving the ugly you for yourself. I couldn't help but think how grateful I am to live in a country where it is not painful to serve my Lord. ________________________ Saturday evening #2 came in to tell me that he ran over a chicken with his bike. I asked if it was hurt and he said he didn't think so, it just lost a bunch of feathers. So I went on and dismissed the thought. Then when I went to feed I noticed the poor pedestrian. I think it may have broken a leg, but it seems to be getting better slowly. I just have to keep the dog away from it. She won't bother the chickens too much unless she knows one is hurt, then she worries herself until she gets hold of it. ________________________ This morning was a devotion to God. Going out to milk Millie, I noticed the fog penetrating every crack of earth, crickets and frogs sounding out their good mornings, spider webs draped in many lengths and patterns, the crunching of rabbits eating, the quiet cluck of chickens. It was still, but not quiet, and it had the aroma of God to me.