Exhaustion and 2 Benadryl is a deadly combination. I was up way past my bedtime last night, worked a very full day, and had horrible allergy sneezing fits. I was dead to the world after the medication took effect. Last night my children were confused. Their normally patient, gentle, and calm mother was going off the deep end. Their room was so cluttered you couldn't walk through it. I needed them to clean things out to prepare for a yard sale tomorrow. They came up with 2 puzzles. So I jumped in with both feet and we got rid of a lot. I made them clean, clean, clean, and ended at 10:00 saying we will finish this tomorrow. They have a hard time knowing what to throw away- get that after their father's side of the family- and so we had to work on what is worthy of keeping. The recycling box is nearly full now, and there are toys waiting in the hallway to be priced, but what bothers me is their attitude. They have no idea how blessed they are to have this dilemma. They don't realize how much they have they don't even know they have. They leave money lying around and don't seem to understand its worth. I know their parents have tried hard to not let that happen, but happen it did. I suppose it is one of the costs of being an American.

It was 52 degrees again this morning. That's two days in a row, so maybe we have a trend. It is nice for milking- no more mosquitoes! I heard from my uncle yesterday and the stove should arrive by Tuesday. Hopefully now we can find someone who is willing to install it. My study this week was about meditation and contemplation. The author draws a line of difference, but those of us in the study group don't see much difference. The English language is full of ambiguouity (and words that are hard to spell!). I was pleased yesterday to hear #1 say he is looking forward to today because of art class. He didn't like last year's class because you just sit and draw and paint and sit! I guess they get to move around a bit more in this session.

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. We had a nice dinner at the local Japanese Steakhouse and then got a sitter to watch the kids while we went to a movie. It was a free preview movie. It's a Christian movie and was offered to pastors and their families as a free date night. They will be opening this month in the area. I have to say I didn't enjoy it enough to want to pay movie prices for it. There were some scenes that were obviously wrong, there was an actor that was over-acting, and it was unbelievable in its Christian conversations. I just read a book that was a christian romance. I felt the same about the book. I wonder why flagrantly christian books and movies annoy me? I know nobody talks this way, and I like my entertainment to be believable. (Therefore, I DON'T like James Bond movies!) Why can't we have good, clean, pure entertainment that isn't annoying?

Millie is finally starting to be agreeable in the mornings. (Knock on wood) The last few mornings she went up on the stand the first time and put her head right where it goes. This morning I didn't even have to try and coax her. She jumped right up and went to eating! I hope it lasts. Now the problem is getting Darkie to stay out of the way. She is such a slim goat that she can squeeze through the fence and get in the pen while I am milking. She tries to get to Millie's feed and that makes Millie jump around. Darkie is such a pretty goat- my favorite, I suppose- that it is hard for me to get irritated at her. My husband and #2 went through the corn field and picked up the left over corn yesterday. The goats and chickens think it is wonderful. I thought maybe I married Ruth! _________________ I was interested in the way meditation was described in my devotional yesterday. It said, it is not an emptying of your mind, as in other types of meditations, but a filling of your mind with God. I liked that.

Commitment. It is a strong word. It can be positive or negative. You can be committed to marriage or to an insane asylum. You can have commitment to a group or to ideas. Being healthy takes commitment to exercise and diet. Commitment is talked about all around us. But it doesn't make the job of committing any easier. College students who don't want to commit to living a godly life, just yet. People who don't want to commit to marriage, just yet. I'll commit to exercising after the New Year. Pencil me in, but I can't commit. I am committed to being in this marriage for life. I am committed to love my children, regardless. I am committed to God, no matter what he asks or where he sends. That is a lot to say, and it isn't said flippantly, but knowing that I am committed, and letting others know, somehow makes the commitment easier. Tell those you love your commitments today.

Well, I am back. I haven't gone anywhere, except to my sickbed. Something grabbed hold of me on Wednesday night and has not wanted to let go. I had a short reprieve yesterday and went to the WVU-ECU game with my in-laws and family. Perhaps I should have stayed home. I did stay home from church this morning though, and decided to read Hebrews while I lay in bed. Chapters 5 and 6 really grabbed my attention. The writer is talking about his audience being older in the faith but still needing to eat like a baby. He encourages them to go beyond the basic teachings of the faith and move on to more mature teachings. The basics he says are: repentance from acts that lead to death, faith in God, instruction about baptism, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. These are the main themes I have heard about all of my life!! Why are we still teaching the "basic elementary truths"? The problem is that the writer doesn't go on to tell what we ought to be talking about. Maybe the problem is that there are always new people in the church and they need to hear these things. Perhaps that is where the spiritual growth group comes in; a group of peers who can help you grow in your faith and take the journey with you to maturity.

What a beautiful morning we are having. I watched the sunrise this morning from the bedroom window. You can't actually see it rise there now- the earth is changing position- but I saw the sky changing. There was a small cloud above the tree line, that gave the illusion of a mountain in the distance. Sometimes I miss "home". _________________ I was reading Thomas More this morning. The devotion was about God being everything and trying to be like Him. I was thinking how do I try to be like God, and then thought about how my children try to be like their parents or others they emulate. They try wearing someone's shoes, try to perform tasks, talk certain ways. I always look at this with pleasure, even when they fail miserably. I guess God must do the same when I try to be like Him, even if it isn't anything close. _________________ Just have to brag! #1 received the State Gold Award in 4-H for one of his projects!!!

My husband is trying to find a time that he can make a meeting. Last week and this week he was busy every night. The busy-ness is good...spending time with the family at a 4-H campfire, being in a spiritual growth group, dinner guests...but really how do you live being busy every night? His job is structured so that he can take an afternoon Sabbath, but what about all of those people who can't? When did this happen in America? Was it the invention of the car? tv? addition of roads? Why does it seem, that even when we intentionally try to slow down, it remains nearly impossible? _____________________ I am curious, if anyone is reading this, when do you pray during the day? And what do you pray about? I started thinking today about all of the times I pray during the day. I would love to have a couple hours to just sit, meditate, and pray, but I don't. So my prayers are on the run, or the first 20 minutes as I wake, during times of stress- what you might call "counting to 10". I pray during my walks about the neighborhood that is developing next to us. Today I met one of the neighbors that moved in this weekend. Hopefully we can develop a relationship.

I got a 15 minute late start this morning and now the whole morning is behind schedule. Here are several thoughts I have had lately. _____________________________ My younger son has wanted a certain jacket ever since his brother got one last year. Finally, Friday we went to get one for him. He wants it hung in his room, not on the coat rack with other coats, and if it isn't hanging in his room, it is on his body. Even though it isn't cold enough to wear it, he wants to. It makes him feel good. I don't know that I have wanted anything so badly that then I spent the next week using it or wearing it constantly. The simple life of a child. _____________________________ This is the most spidery place I have ever lived. The house and barn are full of different kind of spiders. The garden, as well, is covered. But yesterday evening, as the sun set, my husband pointed out a horrible thing to me. The sun was going down over the yard and you could see through its glint that the whole yard, THE WHOLE YARD!, is covered with strings of webbing. ______________________________ Boys are clueless. #1 wiped his chicken poop covered foot all over the rug to clean it off. Why not clean it in the hose!? ______________________________ How do people live on one income if the wife wants to stay home? I have tried to think of what we could change and there are some things we would have to do without, but it would be a sacrifice for sure. No DSL, no cell phone, no new windows or heater, a much more used van, less travel. But when I look at that list, it does seem worth it to have these years with my family. ______________________________ I talked with my uncle last night in CA. He is going to sell us a heater at a much better price than I can get here. Anyway, as we talked he told me an interesting chicken story. He took some chickens to auction yesterday and it was 30 degrees out. (Yes, in CA!) By the time he got to the auction 2 of the little banties had died from the cold. He gathered the other chickens and took them in to the sale. When he came back out- to a warmer day- the chickens that had frozen to death had come back to life!

I went wild last night! After dinner I took my usual brief nap and then I got on the computer- always a time waster!- then I had to feed late at about 8:00. When I got back in, still needing to clean up from dinner, I told my husband I needed a date and I needed it NOW! So I went to Blockbuster and rented a couple movies. We stayed up late watching Saint Ralph. I never did clean the kitchen. It was funny, as I drove to the rental store, I kept telling myself this is crazy. It's almost your bedtime now. And there was also this thrill of, I can actually do this. I can go get a movie late at night and have a date with my man! I guess there are times when I am still a teenager. ______________________ The movie was cute. Filmed in Hamilton, Ontario, where I was this summer, it was interesting to try to picture things. It is labelled a family movie, but I would definitely not watch it with my children. It is about a boy who needs a miracle and thinks God told him to run the Boston Marathon.

A friend was telling me how stressed and frustrated she has been this week. She thought it was because she needs a break and had a taste of one over the weekend. She needed some fun to relieve the stress. I was telling her that I often feel that way, but lately I have been getting more of a break by staying home and enjoying the slowness of a quiet life. I started thinking about a time, years ago, when I decided to read the Bible every day and get through it in a year. It took 6 months for it to become a habit- something I missed if I didn't get to it. It has also taken me about 9 months now to become aware of how the quiet life helps me. Habits take a lot longer for me than the statistics say. ___________________________ I am finally getting milk out of Millie that is worth keeping. She is also starting to produce enough that it may be worth my getting up to milk her. I don't think she will ever supply our family with milk, but we should be able to get by with buying half of what we did. Now if she would just settle down- STUBBORN! To get that goat in a stanchion for milking is a morning workout all its own.

I broke the rules and now I am paying for it. I was running errands yesterday and didn't get everything done, what I did get started didn't get finished, I stayed up late, and the kitchen was not quite clean when I retired for the night. So now I am paying for it. I did manage to get in my prayer and meditation time, the walk will have to wait for tomorrow. ___________________ I am rereading The Genesee Diary and I liked this this morning: (This is actually an excerpt he quotes from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.) "To the untrained eye ego-climbing and selfless climbing may appear identical. Both kinds of climbers place one foot in front of the other. Both breathe in and out at the same rate. Both stop when tired. Both go forward when rested. But what a difference! The ego-climber's like an instrument that's out of adjustment. He puts his foot down an instant too soon or too late. He's likely to miss a beautiful passage of sunlight through the trees. He goes on when the sloppiness of his step shows he's tired. He rests at odd times. He looks up the trail trying to see what's ahead even when he knows what's ahead because he looked just a second before. He goes too fast or too slow for the conditions and when he talks his talk is forever about somewhere else, something else. He's here, but he's not here. He rejects the here, is unhappy with it, wants to be farther up the trail but when he gets there will be just as unhappy because then the 'it' will be here. What he is looking for, what he wants, is all around him, but he doesn't want that because it is all around him. Every step's an effort both physically and spiritually because he imagines his goal to be external and distant." Too often in my life I have been looking forward or backward. I need to be more conscious of the here and enjoy the here being here.

As I rose from bed this morning, and stumbled into the bathroom, I noticed the rising sun, the pink colors of the sky, and thought how beautiful. During my walk, I listened to the birds calling their "Good Mornings", and the answering call of the crickets. It was nature's song I was listening to. I began to wonder if this is what it is like for God to listen to his creation praise him. The sun was sparkling through the morning mist giving the appearance of a heavenly choir. It was all too perfect and I joined in the praise and worship. I thought I would come home and write a poem of praise to God, but then my husband showed me an article in the morning paper. A woman was stabbed to death yesterday just a few doors down from us. How can all of nature praise the Creator and, at the same time, His highest form of creation can be performing such evil? God must have such extreme emotions of pleasure and sorrow.

I was thinking of walking this morning. I noticed yesterday that an elderly gentleman at church is now parking in the handicapped space at church. He used to park far away and walk so that others could park closer. He has been trying to act as if he doesn't need a cane for a long time now. I guess he finally had to give in to it. Then there is Joyce, whom I pick up for church on Sundays. She is an older lady who uses a walker cane to get around. She had knee surgery a while back but just isn't doing well. Some mornings she moves very slowly and often starts to fall over. My mother-in-law walks 3 miles in the morning with a neighbor. She keeps moving like she's still 20. A young neighbor around me walks by often, but never speaks. I try to say, "Good morning" but he just looks the other way. Friendly chap. I like to walk. I like looking around me. I like the change in my posture and the good breathing. But when I have to get 5 kids somewhere, I am glad we aren't walking.

Another sermon on the will of God. This time it was how Jesus followed the will of God. There are a lot of things I don't like to do, and things that I hope I never have to do, but I have never been asked to do anything that will cost me my life like Christ was asked. To have the strength to make that his will too is amazing. _____________________ #2 found a slug after church today. It must have been 6 inches long! He let it crawl all over hi hand and arm and then had a terrible time washing off the slime- it is vey sticky. I certainly have "all boy" sons. _____________________ The college kids are coming over tonight, so a little nap now and then clean up the house. I love Sunday afternoons.

A couple of people have asked me recently what does it mean practically for you to live a quiet life. I actually have been thinking about that all year, but I think I am finally starting to come to some conclusions. This was helpful for me in The Genesee Diary: ...he felt it was crucial for me to find concrete ways to prevent myself from drowning in activities and concerns on my return home. We had often discussed my tendency to become overinvolved, to be carried away by sudden enthusiasm, to accept too many invitations, and to invest too much energy without considering whether or not it was worth it. If I want to maintain a steady prayer life and keep a certain purity of heart in the midst of all my actions, I need to set limits and find ways to say "no" more often. It seems there is my answer. I also get too enthusiastic and don't think things through all of the way. I don't want to say no to so many opportunities. But I am realizing that I have to in order to keep a closer relationship with God. Setting limits is becoming more and more necessary for me. I really don't like limits or rules, but I have found they make my life better. For instance, I must go to bed by 9:30 so that I have the energy the next day to get moving in time to accomplish what I need to and still have my devotional time. I have found I can skip one or maybe two days of devotions, but after that I get stressed, tired, confused, and worthless. That makes the whole day go wrong and then the whole family starts down the same path. For the sake of my family's spiritual health I have to go to bed early. It has become important to me to keep to a structure for the day- not necessarily a timed schedule, but a sequence. In order to form continuity, and to complete tasks, I need to follow that sequence. For instance, the first 2 hours of the day are spent in prayer, devotional reading, meditation, exercise, work, and grooming. That sets the pace for the day. Afternoons have a sequence of cleaning, schooling, preparing dinner, rest, visiting with my husband. Evenings are tied more closely to family- feeding, working outside, sharing a prayer, reading a book together. The sequence can be disrupted by a friend's visit, a trip, a change in schedule, but I am better able to handle that disruption if the morning's 2 hour routine isn't changed and if I follow the rules the other days, like the kitchen must be cleaned before I go to bed. Also an attitude of patience and serenity can make the rush and hurriedness of a changed schedule turn out to be a pleasant shift. Not hurrying to do anything seems to be one of the major ways to remain in a "quiet life mode". I think another thing that I have had to face this year is realizing that the children don't have to be exposed to everything and they don't have to try everything- sports, band, whatever. There is a time to be in a sport, but one is enough. There is a time to try an instrument, but it can not interfere with other priorities. It is hard sometimes to make this decision for your children, especially when you see other families making the choice to play an instrument, take dance, and play sports, as well as be in a play or concert choir. They look ok on the outside, and maybe they are able to do that and be ok on the inside, but it doesn't work for us. My children will not be social outcasts as adults because they can't play the violin, nor will anyone care that they didn't play 3 sports during the fifth grade. Hopefully this decision will make them better children of God. I guess that is where I am so far. A quiet life is one that starts the day with God and quietness, that has a structure or sequence to the days, is slow and patient, and doesn't look to others for comparison.

Baby Lydia was born this morning at 6:52, weighing 8 pounds and 5 ounces and measuring 21 inches. Mother and child are fine. I am an aunt again. I looked at the moon last night and thought it might be the night. _________________________ The boys went on a field trip yesterday to make pottery. They had a wonderful time, but I think the most fun for them was riding in a motor boat. The pottery class was at a friend's grandmother's house and the grandfather took them out on the lake. _________________________ My spiritual exercise this week is to pray without asking for anything. I thought it might be difficult, but didn't realize HOW difficult. I can't even ask for the safety of my children as they drive on the highway far from home. But it has made me look at life from a different perspective. I am praising and thanking God a lot more. Instead of asking for His protection of my children, I thanked Him for friends that I trust to take my children, for opportunities like pottery and boating, and then thankfulness for a safe return. It makes me see that God knows what I need before I ask and that He is the Giver of All Gifts. I already knew it, but it makes me much more aware of it.

I spoke last night at the homeschool meeting on the topic of lesson planning. A rather boring topic and one that doesn't provide much conversation, so we got to visit a lot. Yeah!! I have to say how proud I was of myself. I made a power point presentation and spoke from that instead of notes. I hooked up the computer to the projector, with a bit of help from the manager, and made it through the presentation without one technological glitch! I still don't like technology- I would rather talk to you face to face, I'm not even crazy about the phone- but at least I went at this with confidence. It was good to see old friends after the summer. One has put her oldest child in private school and I was interested to see how that went. She said it is going great and they are really happy with the decision. She was trying to work through the guilt of not having her daughter at home, but letting someone else teach her and instill her values. I don't think homeschooling is for everyone and if it works better for them to be at school, by all means send them. I was also able to verbalize my new relaxed state of schooling. I have been thinking through things for a month or more about my philosophy of homeschooling. This was the first time I was able to put into words what I think my conclusion is. We will take each day as it comes. I have a plan or road map for where we are going, but if there are detours I will patiently deal with them. It is not important that we do all of the math and grammar, or even read all of the great books. It doesn't matter if we go to all of the neat places or if we participate in all of the great events. My children will be exposed to many things through living with us. They will learn a lot because we value education. I love my children and will see that they get the best of what I can give them. And the best that I can give them is an environment of peace and stillness, a place where God can enter their hearts and lives.

Sunday's sermon series now is on the will of God. I don't know exactly where I stand on the will of God. I do think God is still active in the comings and goings on of the world- he has not just sat back and let things happen. And yet, I don't think He has made everything happen that has happened. He can answer a prayer, but is it the will of God or is it the kindness of a Father granting his child's desire? Our older son was born with a strawberry birthmark on his chest that looked like a heart, sort of like the Care Bear's heart. The doctor pointed it out to me, so it wasn't just the fancyof a parent. I always wondered if that was God's way of saying here is a gift of love from your Father (we weren't to be able to have children) or was it a sign that God had marked my child for something special? I have a strong feeling that my husband's role in the Kingdom is to unite Christ's followers. I can say that I think that is God's will, but does everything that happens to us mean then that it is God's will, preparing my husband for the time when he will fulfill that role? Does God just use the things that happen to us to help prepare us for what His will is for us? Lots of questions, not many answers. __________________________ Also Sunday, as I went to help with communion, I caught my husband checking me out! It was a nice feeling, after nearly 17 years he still thinks I am worthy of a twice over.

In today's reading Nouwen was talking about the same struggle I have- Can I serve Jesus no matter what? The abbot said if he would meditate on Jesus until he became one with him, then he would be able to serve Jesus no matter what. Nouwen was unsure though, "What if I meditate in such a way as to make Jesus like me, and not really show him the real self?" It would be just like being with friends, showing them the best you and saving the ugly you for yourself. I couldn't help but think how grateful I am to live in a country where it is not painful to serve my Lord. ________________________ Saturday evening #2 came in to tell me that he ran over a chicken with his bike. I asked if it was hurt and he said he didn't think so, it just lost a bunch of feathers. So I went on and dismissed the thought. Then when I went to feed I noticed the poor pedestrian. I think it may have broken a leg, but it seems to be getting better slowly. I just have to keep the dog away from it. She won't bother the chickens too much unless she knows one is hurt, then she worries herself until she gets hold of it. ________________________ This morning was a devotion to God. Going out to milk Millie, I noticed the fog penetrating every crack of earth, crickets and frogs sounding out their good mornings, spider webs draped in many lengths and patterns, the crunching of rabbits eating, the quiet cluck of chickens. It was still, but not quiet, and it had the aroma of God to me.

I cleaned out the chicken coop and goat pen today. The rain from Ernesto had soaked everything and created quite a stench. It resulted in the trees and bushes and grapevines being fed so I guess it was a good stench! I love working outside and wish I get to do it more. Actually I should say I like being outside. I like to stop and take a break to watch everything. Here are the sites for today. Yellow butterflies swirled about my face and head twice today! Elvis running and jumping through the field until he was too tired to stand, then falling over in grass that is so tall he was hidden. When Millie called for him it took quite an effort for him to obey. Goldie, one of my hens, always sits in the nest box as I try to clean out the coop. Then when I finally have to move her she throws such a fit the entire flock goes berzerk. She is quite a personality. The there is the dog, Kelly, who has to have her nose in everything- including the manure- and keep everyone in line. I let Gimpy, the rabbit, back in with her mother and 2 new sisters yesterday. They were all lying together this afternoon, seeming to enjoy the quiet Sunday afternoon. It was a good day. -------------------------------------------- OK, it happened today. I was teaching the elementary Bible class, reviewing the books of the Bible and we realized that I say Song of Solomon but the Bible says Song of Songs. So that intrigued son #1 and now he is reading it. He says it reminds him of Romeo and Juliet- I didn't know he even knew what that story is! Anyway, now he wants to tell a girl that she has hair like a herd of goats. At least THAT is what he picked up on! I told his father he is going to have to have that talk a little sooner than planned.

The rains came down and the floods went up, but the house of brick stood firm....The sun is peeking out this morning after the terror of Ernesto. I imagine there will be flooding for a few days yet, as he moves north and drops more rain. Our road is back to 2 lanes though, and the yard is looking much better as well. The animals survived just fine and we had a nice day getting work done at home. Yesterday a woman came over to pick up her spelt. My husband had picked it up for her in Raleigh a couple weeks ago and she was coming to get it. I had never met her before, but she has goats and chickens, so I was happy to talk with her. I found out that maybe the reason the goat milk tasted bad is that she is still producing colostrum, and will for a couple weeks. Also Millie is an Alpine goat and their milk is strong. This lady suggested putting a teaspoon of vanilla in the milk, that helps some people, she said. I worked ALL DAY yesterday on a presentation for the kids' geography co-op for this Tuesday. I learned so much about the Pacific and Southcentral states. I also learned a lot about power point! Did you know it even snows in Hawaii?! -Don't tell the kids, it is a question in the presentation.

This parenting thing requires a lot of prayer. Just when you think you figure out your children and what works with them, they go through some life change and you have to start all over. It is hard to believe we are halfway "done" with the first one! They have grown a lot physically this summer, I know, but they have grown in so many other ways as well. The storm is dying down here. Once the eye of Ernesto went over us I went out to check on the livestock. They are damp- ok soaked- but all seem to be fine. Now we are having wind but the rain, thankfully, is ending. The road in front of our house is flooded and down to one lane or less. I don't even want to think about what it looks like under the house. When I went out to check on things the water was up to my ankles all around the house. Guess the drought is over.