Who's In Charge?

I have a confession to make. I am a control addict. I don’t have to be the one in control; I just need there to be someone in control with a plan. I used to tell my husband that anything can happen as long as I know it is going to happen. I only need to know what the next fifty years look like; then I can handle whatever comes my way. He always replied that if I knew the events of fifty years, I would need to know the next fifty as well.

When I was in high school I wanted to be the one in control. Everyone else seemed to be holding the reins, parents, teachers, boyfriend. So I took control of the one thing no one else could control- what I ate.

I drank apple juice for breakfast, skipped lunch or sometimes had a small salad, apple juice for a snack after school, and then a pick-it-apart dinner at my mother’s table. I didn’t consciously say to myself that this was the way I was practicing being in control. That was something I wouldn’t figure out for many, many years. What did I think I was doing? I had a goal- weigh 100 pounds at graduation. I was 5’7” tall.

I still remember the disappointment graduation day when I weighed myself at 103 pounds. Obviously I had no self-control, I thought. I would continue to search for continuity and control over my own life.

I went to college and finished in 3 ½ years because I didn’t want anyone telling me I couldn’t do it. Having trouble securing a job after college, I worked two jobs. Even after getting a full-time teaching job, I continued the second job because I didn’t want to be in the position of joblessness ever again.

I tried to have control over my body, my money, my future. Then I started losing control at a faster rate. Children came at unexpected times, bringing me utter joy. My husband couldn’t find work, found it and lost it, and we survived miraculously every time. And slowly, over many years and through many more experiences, I realized that I don’t actually want control. What I want is assurance. No, not insurance- assurance.

And assurance is what God has given me. Whenever my world looked like it was falling apart, God sent blessings. Not right away, mind you. Sometimes I wondered if God even knew my situation. I remember once telling Him in no uncertain terms that I did not find this funny, and if He was just trying to pull my strings He could go jump in the lake.

Instead of jumping in the lake, God threw me in and told me to swim without Him. Before I drowned, though, there He was pulling me above the surface, helping me breathe again. He pulled me to shore, dried me off, and put me in the back seat of His car.

Then I realized, only God can be in control, but that’s ok; He is the perfect one to hold the wheel and make the turns around the curves that I can’t see. He looks at me in the rearview mirror, gives a smile and a wink, and drives on ahead. And less and less often do I grab the door handles and scream as I anticipate the slam of metal and crash of breaking glass.

God is in control and He assures me that he knows the way. He can see the obstacles, the road construction, the other drivers, and He is still in control. And the final destination is within reach as long as I let Him drive.

“Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.” Psalm 73:23-24

“Many are the plans in a (wo)man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21