I have been confronted by atheism several times recently, and have come to the conclusion that atheism is very similar to theism. Both believe remarkable things, all in faith- there is no hard "proof" for either argument. To believe that this world and, all that is within it, just happened over time is quite a statement of faith. To say that there is a God who made it all and put it into motion is also quite a faith statement. But considering both of them, I would rather be a theist. An atheist who is confronted by disease, poverty, hunger, war, and death sees no hope and becomes bitter. But a theist who is confronted with the same things, sees a God who wants to welcome him home and gains great comfort. I enjoyed this piece of an article on the subject: "So if we open our minds as Bloom would have us to do- or perhaps, open our eyes- we can see that it is not true that contemporary American individuals are merely civilized animals. They are refusing to do what nature intends them to do, and no other animal is self-conscious enough to do that. And it is not true that they are unmoved by death. They want to avoid death so badly that they have refused to generate their natural replacements. Our individuals seem to know as well as the philosophers that existence is basically biological and that one's death ends all, so they work hard to stay alive as long as possible. But that self-centered work has been very hard on their friends, families, nations, and even their species. Our extreme individualism would raise the spectre of our species' disappearance if it were not for the fact that so many non-individualistic peoples remain on our planet, peoples who have not been remade by the philosophers. Individualistic Europe's likely future is not depopulation but Islamization, which probably won't be good either for philosophy or for Enlightenment." Peter A. Lawler

We had a busy Saturday, yesterday. #1 had a morning soccer game- won 4 to 0- and then we headed to church for a fall cleaning day. We threw away a bunch of junk, and that always makes me feel good. I like to declutter. Then we had a history expo in the late afternoon, and the boys did a presentation on the Renaissance: Leonardo da Vinci. He was a really neat man, so very smart. He designed a submarine, helicopter, airplane, and so much more. Most of his inventions were never made, but one was a lion that he presented to the king. When the king would tap on its nose, lilies would pop out of its chest! This was in the late 1400's!! Of course there was his paintings, too. The reason so many people were naked in the portraits at that time, was that they were just starting to understand anatomy and how muscles work. It wasn't a ludeness as much as an excitement about how the body works. Da Vinci would cut open cadavers to explore the muscle system. He was one of the first anatomists---this word was often written by my boys as atominist. So we had a talk about atomic war and how very different it is from anatomy! ----------- Today we had church and went out for lunch. Now we are home for the day and enjoying it. Tomorrow the boys go to a day camp in the afternoon and hubby and I get to go to lunch together. It is good to have co-op and the history expo done.

#1 received his first college information in the mail this week. He is in 5th grade, so it isn't something I expected. We have talked a lot about college, what he wants to do, where he wants to go, etc. But actually getting something in the mail was a bit of a shock. I figure we have 3 1/2 years before we have to get that serious about it! --------- #1 also had a bit of trouble with his writing this week. He had written what he thought was a finished biography on Leonardo da Vinci. After I checked it, it became apparent to him that he was not finished. The tears started after I had checked off quite a bit. I assured him that that was ok; his friends had been in tears recently for the same reason. My husband had heard the exchange, and at dinner brought it up. He told the boys how he used to write a paper, check it, then hand it to me and I would mark a bunch of stuff on it. Then he would rewrite, give it to his dad and HE would mark stuff. Then he would rewrite, turn it in, and the professor would mark things anyway. The boys wanted to know, "Why is it always HER that marks things?!"

We had a contractor come to give us an idea about what we can do with the attic. The very least is $10,000. He is going to draw up some ideas and give us a few options. But now it comes down to deciding how committed we are to what we have decided. Do we continue to live the way we have because we believe it is best for our family, or do we change our lifestyle, look for a job for me, or something else? It is time to put our money where our mouth is I guess. ---------- The ducks are officially setting now, at least I think they are. I guesstimate the ducklings will hatch around December 11.

A friend is going through misery with her daughter. Not that the girl is terrible- she isn't on drugs or running around with older guys- but she is causing stress by not following the plans her mother has made out for her. She isn't completing her school work and is looking at failing the ninth grade right now. Her mother has such high hopes for her, and the daughter is letting her future fizzle. It reminded me of God saying He knows the plans He has for us, plans to help and not to harm us. And still we let His plans go unfulfilled. We must stress God out, too. ------- The boys are working on a project about the Renaissance. They are learning about THE Renaissance Man, Leonardo da Vinci. So this week I told them they could either paint a portrait or a Biblical scene. They chose the latter, and #1 is painting his favorite Bible scene, Revelation 12 and 13---DRAGONS! He told #2 that he couldn't copy, so #2 had to pick another battle, of course. Anyway, he chose the scene where Elisha sends his servant out only to report back that they are surrounded by the enemy. Elisha asks that his eyes be opened and he sees that they are also surrounded by God's army. So #2 is painting looking through Elisha's eyes. In one eye is reflected what the regular person saw, and in the other eye is the spiritual scene. I was so amazed I didn't have the heart to tell him that that would not be a Renaissance painting. He is in a whole different realm.

A bird flew through my house last week. It was just a little bird. I actually wouldn't have recognized it, except that it visited the week before and told me its name. It said it was an ugly bird and really shouldn't visit, but it had been seen around and thought it would drop in for a bit. Then it showed up the next week, most unwelcome. I told #5 (who is 3 years old) that it was time for his nap and he told me it wasn't. In a stern, but loving voice, I assured him it was time for his nap and he would be taking one. That's when the bird flew into the bathroom. #5 was going through the routine of potty before the nap, and he wasn't happy about the situation, so he invited the bird to visit me. I was of course stunned, and wouldn't have thought a thing about it except that I now knew that he knew what he was doing. Now tell me when it started that a three year old should know this bird. He learned it from school; kids in an older class-- grades 1-3! ---have been inviting the bird to land at school. He saw it and learned how to call the bird to come when he wanted it. I was so glad that my boys are not in school to learn such things. Then they went Trick or Treating and saw a word written on the road. The fathers tried to move them along, but it had caught their attention. Someone had tried to change the word so it wouldn't be so offensive. Now #2 thinks the word is f-g-i-k. It quite confused his friend when he told him he knew the "f word" was fgik. I was STUNNED that he knew there is an "f word." I am pretty sure I was in high school before I heard that there was another word. That one does seem to be the big one. They know damn and hell, but really they hear those at church. So they know there has to be intent in those words. But the others- that they don't know yet. Ugh. I am sure it will make me vomit when I hear my babies start to use those words. And that bird just better stay away or I will get my butchering knife out!

I turned the heat on yesterday. The weather outside was pleasant, but the nights have been cold enough long enough that the house had gotten cold and wasn't warming up. So I did make it one month without ac or heat, but now the bills start again. But the change in weather has reminded me how little sense my children make. #2 spent the whole summer in long pants. He wore shorts maybe 3 times all summer, and always told me how cold he was. Now that the weather has turned cooler, he wears shorts and complains of the heat! Right now both boys are topless in the other room watching some movie on the computer. My husband wants to know why I'm not more like them! ---------- The new month has me thinking that we are so close to break. "Just hang on! It will be here soon!" I plan on taking December off when I make our school schedule. Not that it is really taken off; that is when we finish up all of the 4-H things and catch up on anything that has fallen behind. It is also a time to clean and clear out, and that is what I am looking forward to. The living room has to be repainted because the paint has peeled. The boys finally knocked some of it off the wall, and so it can't be ignored any longer. Teacher workdays mean a whole different thing when you home school!

I read a blog yesterday that was very emotional. The woman writing is going through morning sickness with an unexpected pregnancy, fires in CA were near her house, her parents are divorcing, and she found out her dad had had this friend for a long time. She was angry, frustrated, and tired. She was taking it out on God. She is feeling like she has been in a deceitful relationship with God, because he didn't protect her from these things. I understand her feelings. When everything starts falling in on me, it is hard not to blame God or just to blow him off. But I just can't imagine leaving God. Yes, I yell at him. I tell him I don't think he is doing his job right. I beg. I cry. But I don't leave or push him away. Even in my times of distress, I know deep down that God is in control and will do what is right. Of course even as I write this I wonder if I am jinxing myself to get some trouble and see if I push him away! ----------- The heat isn't on yet. I looked at the weather for the ten day forecast and we may have to give in on Tuesday night. I wasn't home enough yesterday to notice the heat, or lack thereof. I heard it may snow in Maine today. It isn't nearly that cold here!

I finally heard back from my uncle about the ducks. It seems they will lay about 40 eggs before they start to sit, so I should have been collecting eggs to eat for a while now. I don't know how to go about that now, since they have laid so many I have no way of telling which ones are new. Next time I guess. I did look online to see about buying ducklings for eggs instead of chicks. Ducks are just so much nicer than chickens, especially drakes over roosters. If you get to come back in the next life definitely pick a duck over a hen. Our rooster, Ugly, treats the hens like they are a fly and he is the swatter- quick, fast, and hard. Moe, our drake, is so gentle,slow, and easy- much nicer if you are the female, I am sure. Anyway, I digress. I was unable to get Khaki Campbell ducks at this time of year. They are good egg layers and don't get broody. I have to wait until March. They only hatch them March to October. So I was a little late. But this gives me the winter to figure out how I want to go about the change over. Yes, I remember that I recently said ducks are dirtier than chickens, but the nice thing is winning me over. If I can get a couple of pools to put out in the field I think I can overcome the dirty goat water issue. --------- I took the boys and a friend to see a farm today. They are learning about soil conservation in 4-H this year (#2 and his friend), and I have a friend who is a farm consultant. So we went out to see how no-till works and what other techniques farmers have to save the soil. Then we came back and worked on the presentation they have to give about it. Afterward I took them to see the Bee Movie. It was really cute and funny. Now I am back to make cheese and butter. What a day!

Last night was fun; it always is. I think Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love the dress up and candy. Last night the dads took the kids out and the moms stayed at the house and passed out the candy. That was a first. As we sat there talking about this and that, it came up that there is a 23 year old who doesn't know how to cook or do laundry. It reminded me of when we were in campus ministry and the students were clueless. One didn't know how to make orange juice from a can. All you do is read the directions and add 3 cans of water! Then I started thinking about my own kids. Last week I had #1 make brownies from a mix- not something that happens often here. He put the eggs, oil, and water in the bowl, mixed it up, and declared it done. I looked at him like he had lost his mind. He didn't add the mix in the box! So Iguess my kids will go to college knowing how to cook from scratch, but don't expect them to make a mix.

Another restless night and so I am trying to catch up on my personal things. I can't believe it has been a week since last I blogged! This is the last day of October and I have to say I am glad. It has been such a busy month; I am ready for a little slower schedule. Sunday was our church's Trunk or Treat. We always have fun with it, and the kids look forward to it, too. This year I was a wood elf and served the hot apple cider. Hubby was Jonah and our trunk was decorated as an underwater scene. The kids had to "fish" to get their candy. I have a feeling the winning trunk was the one decorated like a castle. The hosts were dressed as princesses. Jonah just couldn't compete with that when the little girls came around. Yesterday we took the 4-H club to Raleigh to the museums. They took a couple of classes at the science museum, and then after a lunch in the parking lot, we went to the history museum to see a special exhibit on The Lost Colony. We went in August to see the musical, so this was an interesting addition for us. The kids really enjoyed it, and I enjoyed seeing the original pictures drawn of the area. Then, I took my kids and a friend and her kids who were riding with us to the art museum. We have been studying the Rennaisance and I wanted the kids to see some real art from the era, not just internet and book pictures. They actually really enjoyed the art museum! So today the chore will be keeping the kids' minds on schoolwork. After so much fun recently and Halloween to look forward to, they will likely be day dreaming quite a bit. Halloween has become a fun tradition for us here. We go to a friend's house and eat, go out to T-o-T together, and then the kids all trade their candy. This year's feast has been planned by the children to complete a 4-H project book. Should be fun!

It is one of those wonderful mornings when you stay in bed and enjoy being cozy there. The rain fell this time on us! It seems to be dropping at different places around town. You may get a gully washer and a mile away they don't even get a sprinkle. But now it is our turn, and the pattering on the tin roof sounds so nice. For the first time all week I have slept through the night and I feel like doing it again. Perhaps a cup of tea and a warm biscuit would perk me up. I often forget to mention to people that we have ducks. They arrived this past summer from my uncle in CA, and they make so little noise and really don't require work, that I often forget about them. Except that they are very messy; their feathers fall out all over the place and they like to get in the watering tub and get it filthy. Anyway, they have finally reached adulthood and are laying eggs. I am leaving them out there in hopes that they will start to sit soon and give us a new meat source. We have about a dozen eggs so far. They usually lay 10-18 before they set, according to the internet sources. A friend let me borrow her butter churn- she wasn't using it, can you imagine that!- and I have been making butter from the cream I skim off the farmer's milk. The first time we did it, before I borrowed the churn, we shook the cream in a jar. That was hard work and mind numbing- your head shakes with it! So now we have fresh milk, butter, and buttermilk. I will have to try cheese soon.

Is there a difference between honesty and truth? Can I be honest and not quite truthful? If a woman asks me how I like her dress and my response is that's a great color on her- which it is- then have I been dishonest in neglecting to tell her that it is too tight on the hips? I was reading about honesty this morning to prepare for my discussion group tomorrow. The chapter was on honesty and describing how dishonest most Americans are. But I came up with some situations like the one I just described that I am unsure about. Yes, God has commanded us to be truthful in all we do and say, but is holding back to save someone's feelings ok? What if it is more than just a dress? What if it were about an action someone took, that now no longer matters, but might change the way you think of someone? For instance what if someone did something terrible, like sell drugs, but no longer is dealing. Would it be dishonest not to discuss that when you are meeting her parents? Is there some truth that is ok to hold back for just certain people? I am coming to the conclusion that honesty and truthfulness might be situational. But I don't want to tell my kids that just yet!

I awoke at 2:30 with my arm tingling asleep, and just couldn't get back to sleep. My mind started racing with all of the things I should do. Guilt hits me hard in the middle of the night. I start thinking of all of the people I should write or call, the projects that are incomplete, the deadlines that are looming...It all seems so dark in the middle of the night. So here I sit at the computer trying to finish up my work. I did manage to get the bills paid and some work-related issues taken care of. Now I am at the stage of questioning if I just stay up or try to get an hour of sleep in before the kids get up. The owls are hooting outside, looking for a last minute supper I suppose, and cars are starting to pass as commuters head to work. The windows are open at night now that the air is cooling down. I have had a dread lately of the world as I know it coming to an end. Actually I think it already has, I am just now noticing. I was talking with a friend yesterday about the news story that a middle school is now offering condoms and birth control pills, because their 11 year olds are having sex. That is so beyond me. I still played with dolls when I was 11!! I didn't know what sex was and if I had it would not have been something I wanted to experience. I don't think human children have mutated so much in the last 20-30 years that they now are sexually inclined at age 11. My sons have friends that age, granted who are homeschooled, and none of them seem aware that sex is anything other than a question on their testing sheets. If the topic is brought up their response is, "I don't want to know!" So somewhere our society has gone wrong. I am not blaming the public schools; it is just that there is where the public sends all of their kids, and kids will tell what they think and do. So those kids who don't want to know are now in the position of having to know. But what has happened to those who do know and want to know? Media- movies (even children's movies), tv, commercials, magazines, magazine covers in the check-out line, radio, music, billboards- have forced our children to see and hear what they never should have seen or heard. Children naturally imitate the older people around them. This is what they have seen and heard and now they are imitating- and our society is paying the price.

I asked God to come into our presence in a special way today at church. I had no idea that the service was to focus on the presence of God. The song leader asked us, "What would you say if I said God is here in our presence?" It seemed so silly to me, because of course God was there. He had been invited. Then while we were singing an old hymn, the words struck hard at me. "Though the darkness hide Thee..." I couldn't get past that. There is an older gentleman in our congregation that has a wife who is going blind, in fact has gone blind except for seeing light and dark. She was the one who was forced to my mind. It seemed imperative that I pray for her. That even though she may be in the darkness, God has not hidden Himself from her. I was so overcome I had to leave the room. It seemed that I was to pray for her and her husband. While I was praying with all of my being, it just didn't seem to be enough. "Everyone needs to pray," I kept thinking. So I wrote a note to one of the elders and asked him to pray for her. Perhaps God coming into our presence today was for the benefit of Betsy. To hear us beg of Him on her behalf may just be what she needed and what God was listening for. Whatever comes of it, I know God was there and listening. And I was worn out; wrestling in prayer, even for a short time, is exhausting.

Remember I was trying to get old tv shows for my kids? Well the first has arrived, Land of the Lost. It was on Saturday mornings in the 70s. Marshall (the dad), Will, and Holly are on an expedition when a violent earthquake takes them to another world. There are monkey people, mean dinosaurs, and alien type things called sleestak. I remember that it was kind of scary to me as a kid, so I told them I would watch it with them at the start to make sure it doesn't bother them. All they did in the first episode was make fun of me. "You thought this was scary? That looks like playdough!" Ok, the dinosaurs don't look so scary now because of what we are used to seeing at the movies. Then the second episode introduced the sleestak. Now they were jumping in their seats! But then I was the one who had a bad dream last night, so maybe I am just more cowardly than my kids. ------ The rain finally came yesterday and I think it is going to rain more today. We stood at the door and cheered for God- we need it so badly. Last night when I went to feed the frogs were croaking and singing like it was springtime. All of creation was rejoicing!

Our 4-H club went to the NC Zoo on Tuesday. It is a 3 hour drive for us and so we don't go often. We have had zoo memberships in other cities and loved going often, but here we have had to enjoy the whole day at the zoo and hope it lasts for a couple of years. We left the house at 7:30 and got back at 10:00 pm. It was 5 families with children ranging ages 2 to 15. The bear got about 10 feet away from us and I think he was begging for food. The giraffes were standing about 50 feet away eating from trees. And the monkeys, oh, we stayed there for a long time watching their antics. My favorite was when one walked up to another and gently took the other's arm. They looked like they were greeting each other and shaking hands, then suddenly the first one reached down and bit the other in the upper arm. Then off he ran and the other in full chase. They were just like children! Then I got home and hubby told me the fleas were back. He had gotten some stronger fogger this time, so yesterday we stayed out of the house the whole day and hopefully the buggers are gone for good. I think this was the first of the eggs hatching from earlier. It meant we packed up everything and had school at the library, ran errands, had outdoor recess with a friend, and then came home to air the house out for a while before we could come in. So I have had 2 days away from home and today I plan to stay right here!

A friend has a daughter that has moved to a commune. It looks on the website to be a christian commune, and really not much about it raised any concerns for me. In fact, I thought I would enjoy living there but my husband would go nuts. He needs alone time to function. I guess the part that bothered me is that we are to live in the world. It has the feel of a monastery or convent, but allowing families. People that see them living that way must just think, "Stay away from them. They are a cult or a bunch of loonies." I can't imagine that it has helped spread Christianity in their part of the world. -------- I have been paying a little attention to the plight of immigrants in our country. I recently heard a story about a high school senior that isn't a citizen. His parents brought him here illegally when he was 4 years old. Now he has been brought up in the USA, but can't partake as a citizen. Certainly at 4 years of age he had no say in the matter. He has a younger brother that was born here a couple of years ago. The brother will be afforded all of the privileges of citizenship; just doesn't seem fair. Then I heard another story about a man who came here illegally about 15 years ago. His 3 children were born here and all are citizens. He is afraid he will be sent back to Mexico if he is caught driving, but he doesn't want to lose his kids or take them back to Mexico with him. It certainly would be a difficult decision. I don't have an answer.

Recently I was speaking with a new friend and she made an odd comment to me. She was surprised that I am a Christian because I am kind of earthy, granola-crunchy. I told my sister-in-law about it while were on vacation and she was surprised. She is from the Mid-West and Christians there are commonly granola-crunchy people. The difference in the South is that being a Christian is traditional. They aren't often life-changing Christians. Christianity is just something they do, like changing your oil every 3,000 miles or going to Grandma's for Christmas. The first question you are asked in the South is for your name. The second question is where you attend church. It was just in a book I was reading about bread. There was an article on Southern Biscuits and the author was on a plane with other Alabamians who would ask each other where they go to church. I think that makes it extra difficult to attract people to Christ. It is assumed that if you name a church of attendance, then you must go there regularly and be in a "saved" condition. It doesn't so much matter that your speech is smattered with profanity, that you are living with your boyfriend, that you get drunk on the weekends; what matters is that you can answer the second question of the South, "So, where do you go to church?" My husband and I were walking on the beach and a woman stopped to chat with us. The first question was do you have a church. She didn't even bother to get our names. We didn't go into detail about my husband's pastoral position or his education, we didn't even get asked a thing about Christ. As long as we had a church she was happy. I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to be a Christian in the North, where being a Christian means something, even if it is distasteful to many.

Finally cooler weather has come to us. Thursday morning it was about 70 degrees and my children were sitting on the porch with their sweatshirts and sweaters. #2 even had a scarf wrapped around his head. They were contemplating whether or not it would snow! That is how hot it has been lately. ------- The flea situation is greatly improved. We still see a couple a day, but that is bearable. I keep thinking about the Middle Ages when people lived with animals. They had bedbugs, fleas, lice, flies, you name it, all living in their house with them. I do not think I would handle that very well. -------- Yesterday at co-op I spent most of the time with a friend who has a 2 1/2 year old. He wouldn't go to the nursery because he needed to be with his mother so badly. I don't think I would have the energy for that. My kids did that every now and then, but it never lasted more than a couple of days. It reminded me of the time we went to Nashville when the kids were 3 and 1 1/2. We were at a Christian conference and the kids were in child care. #2 was so excited when he saw #1 go to his room and all of the fun he was going to have. But when I took #2 to his class, I was quickly called back to pick him up. He was crying and very upset about being in there. That was so unlike him that I kept him with me the rest of the evening. That night, back at our room, I was telling him tomorrow you will go to your class. I remember I was changing his diaper and he said, "Big kids, please!?" It was his first semi-sentence. So the next day I asked the attendants if we could try it for a little bit and if it didn't work he could go back to the 0-2 years class. They let him stay in the older class and he did better than his big brother! He colored and did arts and crafts, played, listened to books, just had a great time. #1 did fine, but he just wanted to play with cars. Neither one of them cared if I was around after that. Sometimes that was disappointing, like when other people's kids cried for their moms and acted like they couldn't live without them and mine just headed on without even waving good-bye. But really it was such a relief that mine didn't need all of that extra attention and I could go do "Big People Things" now and then.