Thursday, August 31, 2006

John 6:26-27 Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, you are looking for me, not because you saw miraculous signs, but because you ate the loaves and had your fill. Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. On him God the Father has placed his seal of approval." I wonder why I look for Jesus, deep down. I know I look for him because of what he can do for me. I struggled with this not too long ago in another post. Do I love him because of what he has done or because of who he is? Can I ever hope to separate the two. I think I would follow him no matter what my circumstances, but would I be following waiting for him to rescue me? Can I say like Brother Lawrence, it is enough to praise him, even if I go to Hell, it would have been enough? I think I work for both foods, that that spoils and that that is eternal. ______________ Yesterday I told the boys that the hurricane coming has been changed to a tropical depression. #1 wanted to know why they call it a depression. I tried to explain, but his answer made more sense. "They ought to call it a Hooray! because you are glad the hurricane isn't coming."

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I just glimpsed an article on msn about celebrity names, from Apple to Zolten. I didn't read it, but who knows? Maybe they have good reasons for the names they give. I have a few friends who gave their children odd names, in my opinion, but they had good reasons and now the kids fit the names. I know some people think my younger son has a curious name, but the grandfather he was named for is remembered by us because of it. ________________ I got the PAP results and all is well. Thank you, God. I guess the Kefir I have been drinking has done the trick! It is also reassuring to know I am fine, but it makes me realize life is changing for me when all is well means you are gaining weight, having aches and pains, and things don't work the way they did. ________________ The bus didn't stop today. I guess they figured out we weren't going to get on. A friend near here said the kids got out at 3:30 and the bus got home at 5:15 on Monday! It is about a 4 mile trip! ________________ I was proud of my boys yesterday. They did a great job with their presentations, looking up as they spoke, pointing things out in their pictures...Proud Mom Moment. Now if they could just get the bread bag closed when they are done with it!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Have you ever felt played for the fool? Boy did I this morning. Millie has had such a hard time getting onto the milk stand and I thought it must be too tall for her. We put a ramp on it and she still has trouble getting up. I used chicken feed to entice her up yesterday and that went much more smoothly. Those goats love that chicken feed! So today when she saw I had chicken feed again, Millie jumped right up on the stand. It wasn't even a running jump; she just hopped up! It's all in the motivation. My boys present their river basin talks today at co-op. They have a few pictures to show on power point. I saw a lesson plan/objectives list for science a couple weeks ago that required a power point presentation from 4th graders. I though that was a bit much, but here go my 2 and 4 graders doing their thing. We have cooked apricot scones and Tsu-Ya-Ga ( Cherokee for bean bread) for our region. They enjoyed the cooking yesterday. Today is errand day and I need to go to Rocky Mount to pick up honey and sweeteners. Trying to cut back on sugar- but it takes a bit of work when you have to drive that far.

Monday, August 28, 2006

I was out milking Millie this morning about 6:50 when the school bus stopped at the end of the lane and tooted the horn. No one came out or got on that I could tell, so I don't know if they were lost or someone nearby was late. It got me to thinking about what it would be like for my children to go to public school. They weren't out of bed until after 7 and there was no way that they would have been ready to leave the house! I have been thinking more and more about "unschooling". I know two young ladies that went to good colleges after being unschooled, and I recently heard of a man who sent his 6 kids to Stamford schooling one hour a day. I read about famous men from history who didn't go to formal school, but were well-educated. And I look at my boys and listen to the things they talk of and wonder what it would be like to let them have free reign with their education. Still thinking. Yesterday they were making maps of what the world would look like from a cat's perspective. I know they are creative, but I wonder if they are a bit strange, too. They must get that from their father.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

An Ode to Brothers Punch, kick, hit, bite, beat up Go to the shelter and pick a pup Who can run faster, eat more, pee farther Be your best friend, protector He's not heavy, unless he's sitting on your head Can't go to sleep unless he's in the other bed Shhh, don't tell; secrets for us two Tattle and tattle 'til Mom comes unglued We love to hate each other The fun is in the fight Go through life together Brothers, just right! Today is Brothers' Day in our family. Years ago, after we had had Mother's Day and were having Father's Day, #1 wanted to know when is Brothers' Day? We decided since August doesn't have any big celebrations that we would celebrate Brothers' Day the 4th Sunday of August. We always let the boys choose where to eat and we usually do something fun. This year we took them to a movie- Barnyard. It has a good moral message, but there is one MAJOR flaw in the movie. Bulls are not cows and they DO NOT have udders!!! There are going to be a lot of messed up kids in the world after seeing that movie. I love my boys. They truly are best friends- even if they won't admit it. They play together, work together, conive and contrive together. They want to share experiences. They can't sleep without the other. They talk to each other when they aren't together. They are God's gift to each other- and to us. Happy Brothers' Day!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

I really get fed up with technology, mostly because it takes time out of my already busy schedule to have to figure it out. Last night, however, I was happy to have technology. I went to bed, floating into the wavy abyss of sleep after a long day, and at the same time was cooking dinner (crock pot), washing dishes (dishwasher), and washing a load of clothes (machine). At times like that I LOVE technology. No desire for the good old days there. The boys have been enjoying a National Geographic movie called Terror on the Sea: The Legend of Blackbeard. It is really good. I thought it was interesting that there wasn't as much killing and violence as the movies portray. Now #1 has a new fixation: Pirates! As long as we can get away from Pokemon and not turn to girls just yet, I don't care what the fixation is! Working int he garden today. Hubby says I thought you are giving that up. No I just can't bring myself to do it. Stubborn as Millie I guess.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Another Friday at the beach! What a beautiful day it was. The water is a great temperature and the humidity level was acceptable. The boys still love their boogie boards. Daddy went with us since our friends couldn't make it. He has trouble taking days off if he stays home- too close proximity to the to work, so the day off doesn't last long. Of course, now he is off to teach weekend college so it was short lived anyway. #2 had a nightmare last night. He told me this morning that it was about fossil fuels. We had to stop and get gas and they cut off your head if you used fossil fuels. I guess our family has turned into environmentalists all around! The kids have been visiting a PBS web-site that has an ecology game and I think they are getting some info there. I have been told several times this week that it is better to wash the car at a car wash than to do it yourself since the businesses reuse the water. I hate to tell them, but my way is better- let the rain do it!!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

It was 60 degrees this morning when I started my walk. It was a very nice walk. I am doing better at adding in the jog. I pray as I go and I find the rhythm of the jog helps the rhythm of the prayer. Nouwen had some interesting things to say about prayer in my reading today. I plan to read it again tomorrow. It was about feeling the needs of others so much that you pray for them as if you were praying for yourself. I can honestly say I don't pray for others as if they were me. Millie went right up on the milk stand today! I am not getting much milk from her, but today it looked like milk so maybe getting her on a schedule will get the milk flowing. Little Elvis is doing well, too. Friends came to see him yesterday and said he looks like a puppy. That's what I think too.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

It's a rainy morning and the kids are still in bed. Perhaps yesterday was as exhausting as I felt it was! I am saving Tuesdays for running errands after our geography co-op. That meant yesterday we were gone from 10-5! Hopefully not every Tuesday will be that way. I milked Millie last night and this morning. She wasn't as cantankerous as I expected her to be. Thank goodness. This morning went better as I learned a little trick to get her on the stand- grab her hiney! I guess getting goosed does something for every woman. I'm not getting as much milk as I had hoped, but maybe we will both get better at this with time. I walk/jogged today in the rain. I keep telling myself that if something is important to you, you will make time or find a way to do it. Nouwen talked about it again as he was trying to figure out how he will continue to pray when he gets out of the monastery. Making sure everyone knows your schedule and then not giving in for anything was what his abbot suggested. I guess that is what the blog does for me- makes me accountable, even if just to cyberspace. Another intriguing thought in this morning's reading: A Polish Jew prayed for people in Aushwitz, but when nothing seemed to happen he stopped praying. Then he started again. When asked why he started again, he answered that he felt sorry for God- look at who he was left with. He had compassion for God and a deep relationship with Him to feel what He felt. It reminded me of the prayer I prayed last spring, that God would make me see what He sees and feel what He feels. I didn't particularly like the way it made me feel. I remember getting very tired. I am glad God is big enough to handle the problems of the world, but maybe it would make Him feel less lonesome if we joined in the process.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Here is Elvis when he was first born and then as he first nursed. He caught on right away and is doing great. Yes, Elvis is alive!!!
Yesterday evening a miracle occured. Millie had her baby! She wasn't seeming to be in labor at 5 pm, but by 8 when I went out she had had the baby. It was evidently an easy labor. Poor Millie must be one of those women who gets pregnant all over, because I was sure she was having more than one kid. She certainly looked huge to me! Anyway, there is one kid, brown head white body like his father Clyde. He is in limbo on a name, either Wags or Elvis. I think we will go with Elvis since Wags is cute for a baby, but later may give him a complex. Picture to come later...it is a busy day here.

Monday, August 21, 2006

As I was walking this morning, I noticed a crow on top of one of the new homes. It was cawing loudly to welcome the morning, I suppose. On the other side of the road was a frog slowly gallumphing his "good morning". All around me crickets were chirruping. And while all of that noise surrounded me, I was praying to the Lord. It struck me that He can hear me and all of those critters at the same time. He cares about my issues just as much as the issues of the crow, frog, and cricket. What an amazing God! From The Genessee Diary this morning, the idea that God has more justice and more mercy than we can fathom. He can be just enough to get the message across and merciful enough to not break your spirit. I pray for a fraction of his mercy and justice as I parent these children.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Well the in-laws left this morning, hubby has started teaching weekend college again and is gone, and the boys are at an x-box racing match at the church. So here I am alone, trying to catch up on things. It was certainly great to have the parents here to help accomplish so much- now to keep the momentum going! We did take a break yesterday and go to Fort Macon to play in the ocean for a day. The grandparents gave the boys boogie boards and they had a great time. We couldn't stay as long as they would have liked, but I assured them we will go back soon. I love the beach in August and September. I can finally stand the water temperature! I finished the book, Jesus Land. I think the author lost her faith sometime in her adulthood. Hopefully the Lord will place people in her life who can restore her belief that God is good. It will take a lot of patience and love, for sure. It was a very different read than my usual devotional type literature.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

So much has been accomplished this week that it feels like more than a week. My father-in-law got the goat stanchion done and Millie "volunteered" to get in- sort of like people stepping back in line and you are left looking like you stepped forward! I think we gave her so much distress getting into it that she may just go into labor now. The porch railing has been fixed, trim has been painted, yard work done, some gardening accomplished, cupboards washed out, ironing done...See how much better it would be in an intergenerational home? I have figured out that earlier in history people got things done because they lived closer together and didn't have to travel. If they needed help with a project, the others just came over and helped out. Now we write e-mails to people in order to talk to them and they may be hundreds of miles away. Today in my reading Nouwen was talking about not liking manual labor because it became boring. But the head abbot said the other monks like their work, because it gives them a common unity and allows their thoughts to turn to God. I will try to remember that.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I told my mother-in-law last night that if there were two of me I could get so much more done. It was nice to have her here to help. My father-in-law also makes it nice to have two husbands. SO I guess we should go back to living in multi-generational homes. The doctor appt went well today I guess. I was poked and prodded for 3 hours, but they think I am ok. I'll have to wait for the Pap smear to find out for sure. Also had a tetanus shot and I am sore.

Monday, August 14, 2006

I am reading a book called Jesus Land by Julia Scheeres. I picked it up at the library on the new books shelf. I don't normally even look at that shelf, but I was having trouble finding a different book and thought it might be there. It wasn't but this book looked interesting. Interesting it is, but also quite disturbing. It is a memoir of her childhood, especially the teen years in the 1980s, living in Indiana with her Jesus Freak parents. It was all a facade, because a lot of abuse and neglect was going on in that home. When she was 16 or 17 she got into trouble with the law and her father came to pick her up at the police station. She told the cop she didn't want to go home with her father, and the cop told her the 2 choices were her father or jail. She chose jail. You would think that would cause an investigation, but it didn't. My intrigue with the book is that so far Julia hasn't lost her faith. She has rebelled against it, questioned it, but not lost it. She still thinks of God as being a part of the plan for her life, but He doesn't seem as powerful or as interested as I feel Him to be. She still seems to have belief in Him and His power. I am not sure I would. To be told Jesus loves you and you need to be beaten to get rid of the evil within you, seems an evil kind of love.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

An olive green plastic book satchel with bright yellow straps sits on the desktop of my childhood memories. I was in second grade and had a new satchel for my school supplies. It was the kind that had metal oval knobs that turn to"lock" the flap closed; we didn't have backpacks back then. I loved the beginning of school; new crayons with sharp tips, fresh paper with no marks, unmarred erasers, even a new set of classic colors markers, of course they were the only colors then, not classic. I waited impatiently to use my supplies. Of course there were new clothes to pick from and I had debated for a couple weeks what would be my first outfit. This was a new school for me. My family moved during the spring of my First Grade and my mother had driven me and my brother to our old school to finish out the year. Now we were living in my father's family home and I was starting on a new adventure surrounded by my family, grandparents included. I didn't know anyone in the school; it was a rural area and I hadn't played with anyone all summer. I was nervous and a little afraid. What if no one talked to me? What if the kids were mean? What if the teacher was a monster?! I sat at a quadrangular table waiting for my fate to be determined by these strangers. A red-headed girl asked my name and introduced herself; Lisa was her name. That was all it took. I had a friend and I settled into my new school as if I were a veteran alum. Lisa became my best friend for many years and my school career was back on track. Children from the New Directions Shelter will likely not have such a great memory. They have left a home of fear and uncertainty only to enter into a new home of different fears and uncertainties. I was surrounded by people who loved me unconditionally and encouraged me to do my best. They are surrounded by women who are struggling to believe that they are themsleves worthy of love and, I imagine, are pushed beyond possibility of encouraging another. Father of All Children, please bless these children with the knowledge that they are loved, even if only by You. Place people beside them who can encourage them and bless them in school and home. Calm their fears, provide for their needs, hear their calls and answer. Amen.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Still struggling, but more and more often overcoming. A friend was telling me about a need for child care- not at all expecting me to do anything about it- and I started trying to find a way in my schedule to solve her problem. I probably could have moved some things around and found a way, but it would have meant a lot of running and stress. Our homeschool group is having trouble getting teachers for this fall. I looked over the schedule and was disappointed with the offerings for my children. I started thinking of what I could do about it and how I could solve this dilemma, but forced myself to realize that it wuld be extremely hard for me to do it. It would cause stress and anxiety that I don't want in my life. I am holding myself back not to kill myself trying to recover the garden. I am trying to admit to myself that although the idea of a garden is wonderful, I just can't seem to do it at this time. I am not quite winning that struggle. My in-laws are coming for a week starting today. That should be a good opportunity to have fun and get work done at the same time. It is good when families get along.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Yesterday was spent in school and then running errands. We were trying to get done in time to go swimming with friends before heading home to more chores. We had not yet completed any errands, but were quite far from home, when #2 says, "Oops. I forgot my shoes again." Now I ask you, how can you walk out of the house, through grass and gravel, and not notice you are barefoot? But this seems to be the case with him. He has forgotten his shoes several times this summer. I was very irritated and told him we did not have time to go back. He would just have to ride in the cart at the stores or stay in the car for things like the bank. Later in the evening I was telling my husband about this and how "HIS" son was constantly forgetting his shoes, but he told me he must be "MY" son because he doesn't go anywhere barefoot, not even in the yard. I suppose I deserved that. I remember my childhood summers being barefoot all day, every day. What fun.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Yesterday evening in Bible class we were asked what God-centered conversations we have had this week. I was unable to answer because, as I sit here and contemplate, I haven't been anywhere since I was at church Sunday morning. I spent Sunday afternoon painting, Monday painting and my new windows arrived (I am now thinking of a conversation I had with one of the window guys, though.), Tuesday and Wednesday I was home with the children. I didn't realize it had been such a while since we had been out, but I enjoyed being home out of the "running mode". I am much more in control of what goes on at home when I am actually at home. We have started school and that means that a lot of my time has to be at home now. However, I have several God-centered discussions with my children. Yesterday was a little eye-opening. We were doing Spelling and #2 has the word Gospel this week. He was to write a couple of sentences about what Jesus has done for him, since Jesus is the Gospel. He was having such a hard time answering that and #1 was disgusted with him. He rattled off 5 things right away that Jesus has done for him. I was impressed with #1 and surprised by #2. Then as I contemplated what the difference might be I realized that #1 thinks all of the time. He often gives me shocks of the deep thoughts he has had, about religious and non-religious topics. But #2 rarely thinks anything through. He is a jump "right in and get dirty" type of child. I will have to remember that as I try to teach him more about Jesus.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

From The Genesee Diary: "I'd better start thinking a little more about my attitude toward work. If I have learned anything this week it is that there is a contemplative way of working that is more important for me than praying, reading, or singing. Most people think that you go to the monastery to pray. Well, I prayed more this week than before but also discovered that I have not learned yet to make the work of my hands into a prayer." I often find myself angry or resentful when doing my work. Why am I still working when everyone else is playing, relaxing, whatever? Doesn't anyone see how much I am doing? Why doesn't anyone offer to help? I especially get this attitude toward my husband. But I was wondering what would happen if I saw my work, not as drudgery that I alone must attend to, but as a prayer to God and a gift to my family? Will this change my resentment and anger? So it is my prayer now to work. I am trying to see my work as a gift to those around me. A gift given freely and joyously, not with strings or compulsion. "Be joyful always; pray continually;give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess 5:16-18

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

There was some kind of equipment failure in my area the last several days and I have been unable to get online. I have wondered if it was a sort of "discipline demonstration" from God. I certainly got more done and realized how much time I spend on the web. I am thinking a timer will have to be employed to keep me honest to my screen time. I had 58 messages this morning and I know that took a lot of time. The heat wave of last week seems to have ended. I lost a chicken and 2 baby bunnies to the heat. I took ice out every couple of hours and did my best to cool them down. I tried to get them to take off their coats, but that had them a bit concerned! I'm just glad I'm not as pregnant as Millie in this heat. Well I have been waiting to write this tidbit from The Genesee Diary for several days. It has stuck with me as I continue to slow down. "When I took a closer look at this I realized that I was caught in a web of strange paradoxes. While complaining about too many demands, I felt uneasy when none were made. While speaking about the burden of letter writing, an empty mailbox made me sad. While fretting about tiring lecture tours, I felt disappointed when there were no invitations. While speaking nostalgically about an empty desk, I feared the day on which that would come true. In short: while desiring to be alone, I was frightened of being left alone. The more I became aware of these paradoxes, the more I started to see how much I had indeed fallen in love with my own compulsions and illusions, and how much I needed to step back and wonder, "Is there a quiet stream underneath the fluctuating affirmations and rejections of my little world? Is there a still point where my life is anchored and from which I can reach out with hope and courage and confidence?" I too have the strange paradox of wanting to be left alone to quiet solitude and yet longing to hear a friendly voice on the phone, of wanting to be asked to speak at functions and yet wondering where I would find the time to write anything, of wanting more children but knowing I am tired keeping up with the ones I have, of desiring a garden but not having the committment level it requires, and so much more. The other tidbit was this: "During the 20 minutes we talked Elias told me practically everything I needed to hear. He told me how the changes in the often rough climate were good- "goo-o-o-d" he said- because they deepened his longing for God. As the storms made him wish for gentle winds, the clouds for sun, dryness for rains, so his heart learned to yearn for God and take nothing for granted. "What is so good about this part of the country," he said, "is that it makes you realize that all good things are gifts of God- when the sun is always shining you forget that it is God's gift, and you don't pay attention anymore." I had always thought of this looking for "something better" as an insult to God, but using it as a reminder of my desire for God, it seems a good thing.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Well, I finished The End of Nature. Finished is a bad term perhaps, since I didn't read a lot of it, but I read the last chapter on what we should do about it. (I have a friend in TX who always reads the last chapter before the rest of the book so she can see if she will like it. I think I would have liked the book, but I don't have time to read the whole thing.) I was taken with the analogy between leaf blowers and slavery. Leaf blowers are an invention to remove the task of raking leaves. We are quite capable of raking leaves, but it requires time and energy- leaf blowers require gas, which releases carbon into the air. We know we don't want to release more carbon, but we also don't want to rake the leaves. His point was that "the abolition of slavery was felt by Southerners to be both right and necessary, but they still opposed it. The economic life of the South was founded on slavery, and the question seemed too difficult to solve. [They needed the work done and the way to complete the work was there, even if it was offensive.] I think the analogy is not ovedrawn: we can engage in newspaper debates about the need for new national energy policies and so on, but our individual, personal economies rely so heavily on the cheap labor provided by oil that change...almost can't be conceived." There are so many things around me that are creature comforts and not requirements, like leaf blowers, though we don't have one of those. I have been making bread and recently was given a bread maker by my in-laws. I have used it twice and both times have thought, "How much energy is it using to have this machine do it for me and shouldn't I do it myself?" I think right now, with a heat wave in full force, it probably equals out, since I would have to run the ac more to cool off the house from having the oven on to bake the bread. But what will I choose this winter, when it would be better to have the oven on? And then there is the whole ac dilemma...This house was not built with ac 60 years ago. Why do I have to have it? Well after several days of being worn out from heat, even while staying inside the ac, I have to say I am willing to put up with the "energy guilt". SO there won't be any major changes coming to my life, but I am trying to think about it, at least. ___________ I started a new book this morning in my devotional reading time. It is about slowing down. I think it will be good. More on that later, I'm sure, but I was actually able to not sign up for something last night at church!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I have read two conflicting, and yet similar, writings in the last day. I thouht it was interesting the way they went together. There is an article in Christianity Today this month about having large families. The writer was stating that she enjoys having a large family for many reasons, but one is the way that it teaches the children to get along with others. They can not be so greedy and thoughtless of others, because they understand their actions affect so many other people. You can't take a long shower because someone else needs the water. I am also reading a book called The End of Nature, an environmentalist's book (here we go again!). And he talks about smaller families being better because of all of the resources a large family uses. But maybe, according to the CT article, if we came from larger families we would realize how we are affecting the world and wouldn't be so careless and selfish about it all. Here is an excerpt from the book: "It's hard to draw a detailed picture- it's so much easier to picture the defiant future, for it is merely the extension of our current longings. I've spent my whole life wanting more, so it's hard for me to imagine "less" in any but a negative way. But that imagination is what counts. Changing the way we think is at the heart of the question. If it ever happens, the actions will follow. For example, to cope with the greenhouse problem, people may need to install more efficient washing machines. But if you buy such a machine and yet continue to feel that it's both your right and your joy to have a big wardrobe, then the essential momentum of our course won't be broken. For big wardrobes imply a world pretty much like our own, where people pile up possessions, and where human desire is the only measure that counts. Even if such a world somehow licks the greenhouse effect, it will still fall in a second for, say, the cornucopia of genetic engineering. On the other hand, you could slash your stock of clothes to a comfortable (or even uncomfortable) minimum and then chip in with your neighbors to buy a more efficient washing machine to which you would lug your dirty laundry. If we reached that point- the point where great closetfuls of clothes seemed slightly absurd, unnatural- then we might have begun to climb down from the tottering perch where we currently cling." It is a difficult view to overcome in a country based on economic growth, individualism, and the pursuit of happiness- meaning more, more, more.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

School starts today. #2 just woke up and looked so sad. I asked what is wrong and he said, "It's time for school already and I didn't get to see any tv." I asured him it isn't. The electric went out while we were gone and we haven't set the clocks yet. The boys don't seem too upset about school. They were singing about it last night. The routine will probably be helpful to the discipline problems we have been having. The high school reunion went well. I was surprised by how old everyone else looks. I am sure my husband and I don't look like that!! It certainly made me start to realize just how old I am- not OLD, but growing in age. When I was in Canada my friend said she has had to recognize that her body needs exercise more than it needs more sleep. I have been thinking about that in regards to my time dilemma along with Kelly's "you get done what you really want to do". Still thinking, we'll see what happens.