The phone rang at 3:53 a.m. Could it be a wrong number immediately went through my mind. Then, the man asked for my husband. Certainly this isn't a benevolence call or telemarketer at this hour! No, he went on to say why he called. The daughter of one of our members had been struck by a car and killed. Could my husband go and tell the father? Oh, what horror. What terrible sadness. Grief, aching inside of me...for her, for the father, the whole family. And constantly the thought, "Please Lord, don't ever let us get a call like this for one of our sons." Selfish, I know, but it is what I feel and think. I realized so concretely at 4 this morning, that I have little control over what happens to them. They could be in a car accident today, this morning, gone within a couple of hours. How precious and precarious is this life. Lord, please protect us.

2 kittens arrived on Monday. They are Winky and Leo. It took a lot for the poor things to get those names. The boys like to name things by description, like Big Ears for a rabbit, instead of giving a "name". The kittens are mostly white with saddles and spots of gray and brown or black. They are 10 weeks old, so still in the cute stage. Another cat arrives this afternoon. He is 3 years old so probably not cute, but a good mouser from what we hear. That is why we want him! Millie is singing the blues for a man. I guess Elvis isn't such a pain after all, if she is already wanting another baby. Instinct takes over common sense, I suppose. I made goat's cheese over the weekend. I wasn't sure what it was supposed to be like, and it didn't seem to follow the recipe, but my friends who is a fan of goat's cheese said it was just right. It wasn't hard to make, but a gallon of milk doesn't make much, so I guess that explains the prices in the stores.

Nowen writes, "It is clear that the distance between the turning around and the arrival at home needs to be traveled wisely and with discipline. The discipline is becoming the child of God. Jesus makes it clear that the way to God is the same as the way to a new childhood. "Unless you turn and become as little children you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Jesus does not ask me to remain a child but to become one. Becoming a child is living toward a second innocence: not the innocence of the newborn infant, but the innocence that is reached through conscious choices. ...The Beatitudes offer me the simplest route for the journey home, back into the house of my Father. And along this route I will discover the joys of the second childhood: comfort, mercy, and an ever clearer vision of God. And as I reach home and feel the embrace of my father, I will realize that not only Heaven will be mine to claim, but that the earth as well will become my inheritance, a place where I can live in freedom without obsessions and compulsions. ...The eternal Son became a child so that I might become a child again and so re-enter with him into the Kingdom of the Father. "In all truth I tell you," Jesus said to Nicodemus, "no one can see the Kingdom of God without being born from above." What an important thing to remember at this time of year.

When I was first breast feeding, I asked my doctor how long could I do that. He answered, "Just don't make him late for the bus." Well, Millie is making Elvis late for the bus! My husband says maybe she homeschools. Whatever, she still lets Elvis nurse. He is 3 1/2 months old, he could have quit at 2 months! ____________ From Nouwen's, Return of the Prodigal Son: "The prodigal's return is full of ambiguities. He is traveling in the right direction, but what confusion! He admits that he was unable to make it on his own and confesses that he would get better treatment as a slave in his father's home than as an outcast in a foreign land, but he is still far from trusting his father's love. He knows that he is still the son, but tells himself that he has lost the dignity to be called "son", and he prepares himself to accept the status of a "hired man" so that at least he will survive. There is repentence, but not a repentence in the light of the immense love of a forgiving God. It is a self-serving repentence that offers the possibility of survival. ...God remains a harsh, judgmental God. It is this God who makes me feel guilty and worried and calls up in me all these self-serving apologies. Submission to this God does not create true inner freedom, but breeds only bitterness and resentment. ...Receiving forgiveness requires a total willingness to let God be God and do all the healing, restoring, and renewing. As long as I want to do even a part of that myself, I end up with partial solutions, such as becoming a hired servant. As a hired servant, I can still keep my distance, still revolt, reject, strike, run away, or complain about my pay. As the beloved son, I have to claim my full dignity and begin preparing myself to become the father." Nouwen floors me by his insight. More tomorrow.

I worked hard yesterday, and ended the day by reading a book. I only intended to read for an hour and then take care of some more things at home, but I couldn't put it down! The Giver, by Lois Lowry, is a fictional novel for young adults. I had read it years ago, I think when I was in college, and remembered it as being intriguing. I picked it up last week at the library, hoping my holiday would afford a little time for pleasure reading. The story goes that part of the world has decided to adopt "sameness" in order to prevent pain. Everyone must look the same, dress the same, think the same. They follow the same rules, eat the same food, ride the same bikes. On the outside that looks good. There is no pain, no war, no hatred or enmity. But it also results in the loss of all that is beautiful, pleasurable, real. There is no love, no color, no music. There is not even death or birth. I was very thoughtful about it all as I finished the book. I contemplated what it would be like to not see any differences in anyone; no fear, no hatred, no discomfort. I thought about how much I love my family. Even with all of the pain they cause, and will cause, the love so outweighs the pain that it is well worth the turmoil. __________________ Another reading from yesterday came from Window on the World. It is a book full of descriptions of peoples around the world who know little or nothing about God and Jesus. We read it as a family after dinner and then pray for the people. Yesterday was about the Dogon people of Mali. They live in cliffs and farm what little land they can. They were asking their gods for rain, but none came. Finally, someone suggested that they ask Christians to pray for rain, and they did. The Christians agreed, but only if they would stop sacrificing to their gods so they would know the rain really came from God. They agreed and the rain came! The Dogons ran out to sacrifice to their gods in thanks for the rain, and the rain stopped. The Elders of the tribe realized what had happened and made the people stop sacrificing. Then the rain began again! God still works miracles. The Dogon people have started turning toward God and Jesus since then.

We went to help at Give 2 the Troops a few days ago. It is an organization that sends care packages to the soldiers who request one. They can email their requests for particular items, and then Give 2 the Troops sends it out. They are a non-profit and all of their items are donated to them. One of the unique things they do is send personal cards from children. All this year in 4-H the kids have made cards to be put in the care packages. This was our culminating event to that project. The kids were able to sort some of the donations and to pack boxes for Christmas. While the kids did that, the moms got a tour of the place and an explanation of how it works. Here are some surprising things I learned: Men are assured one shower a month, women are assured of two. More men request pads and tampons than women. They use pads to soak up sweat under their helmets or to put in their boots to protect their feet. Most soldiers lose their toenails from marching in the boots. Tampons are used in their guns to keep out sand. They are also great for bullet wounds. Toilet paper is at a premium since you may be 500 miles from a PX where you can get some. I was able to read some of the requests. They were very humble and sincere. The soldiers would tell you what their circumstances are and then ask for something little like toothpaste. If they had good living arrangements they told you so. How different it is for citizens here, at times. I thought about times when there is a flood or disaster and people try to take advantage of your generosity. Driving home the boys were asking about serving in the military and do you have to? It was then that I realized my oldest will have to register in 8 years! It wasn't something I had thought about for them before. They also picked up ont he discrepancies between men and women, perhaps that is why I had not thought about them registering.

I went Christmas shopping last night, as well as looking for some winter shirts for myself. I got rid of most of my long sleeved shirts at the end of last winter because they were looking pretty hard up. So I used my "night off" to take care of shopping. I used to like to shop when I was in high school, but as time has gone on I have liked it less and less. It got to the point several years ago that I would only enjoy shopping a couple times a year, like when the kids went back to school, or when we were on vacation. Now I don't even like to do that much. Last night I decided that I now can say I actually HATE shopping. I could feel the stress building in my neck muscles, the headache was starting, and I was very near tears. When I finally got near to tears, I decided it was time to quit. I think I will do most of the rest of the shopping online. I wasn't really gone that long; a total of 3 1/2 hours from leaving the house to returning. So why did I have so much trouble? I can't decide what the change has been. I think part of it is that I have isolated myself from popular culture so much that I go into shock when I am out in the stores. Also part of it is that I get upset about the way the rest of the world (not necessarily America) lives when I am out buying new things. It stressed me just as much to buy things for myself as it did to buy for others. I put things back several times. I also think it is that I don't care for what others buy themselves so I have a hard time purchasing things that I think are bad buys; for instance a small girl should not be dressing like a woman. I don't know what it is, but I am glad to be able to purchase things via internet. So much for my "night off".

Thursday was very stormy here, and Friday was the calm after the storm. The difference in the 2 days startled me several times. No one here was injured by the storms, but towns nearby had fatalities. After losing Grandma so suddenly, these deaths only triggered the thought that none of us knows when we will go home. ___________ We had a female friend visit for dinner Thursday night before we all went to a 4-H County Council Meeting. She is a very sweet girl, but she giggles! Boys do not giggle; they rip-roar laugh. A friend of ours just adopted a daughter; they already had 3 sons. I wonder how many differences they will encounter. My husband says one difference is that she knew how to clear the table a whole lot better than the boys. I guess it is just ingrained in females. __________ We finished Geography Co-op yesterday. We have been going for 3 months! It was a wonderful experience and everyone learned a lot, even the moms. Yesterday, #1 reported on MD and made the best crabcakes to share with everyone. #2 reported on WV and shared buckwheat cakes. I tried to tell the moms that buckwheat cakes are sort of an acquired taste- if you have had them you know what I mean- but for me they are more about memory than taste. My grandmother used to make them in the fall when all of the uncles were deer hunting. Before school, I would walk to her house and have buckwheat cakes for breakfast while all of the men came back to report how they had done. I don't know why that seems so important to me, but it does.

Last night my Spiritual Growth Group sat out in the foyer of church with another woman and we all just visited. It wasn't anything deep, but seemed to be needed. Everyone was tired and deflated. I think the earlier evenings (dark) are taking their toll. ____ My children asked last night when we will go to WV again. At Christmas. How long is that? About 5-6 weeks. ...Then PANIC hit me. How in the world could Christmas be that close? ____ Tornadoes and bad storms predicted today. Of course, the day we have to be out running around has bad weather.

Oh how quickly a house can fall apart!! Monday I was so happy to just be at home and get through the day peacefully. Quietly cleaning, teaching, rearing children; it was so pleasant. Yesterday I needed to be gone most of the day and so now that wonderful homey feeling is gone, mixed up with the mail, dirty laundry and dishes, toys that need putting away, and calls that need to be made. ______________ We watched a movie last night, King Arthur. Sometimes there is a reason that you don't hear much about a movie. There was a lot of fighting and gore, and the story line was confusing. I had thought it might be a good one to watch since we were doing so much Middle Ages stuff lately, but not really. Honey took the boys to see Flushed Away and they thought it was good. Bathroom topics and animated James Bond doesn't appeal to me.

I posted this morning, but somehow it got lost in cyberspace. I went to an international education and economics seminar at the university yesterday evening. It was good to be with other teaching professionals and get some new information and ideas. I think it will help me be more current with what I teach my children. The world has changed so much without my noticing. I seem to have had my head in the sands of motherhood. One funny thing was that a foreign student from Ukraine said his daughter had been here the last several years, but now that she is 6 and needs to start school, they sent her back to Ukraine. It seems the elementary schools in America are not good enough for them. Of course, they aren't good enough for my children either! ____________________ Hubby found a nest of eggs this evening. The chickens have been hiding eggs on me, or not laying them, and I had given up. There were 23 eggs in the corner outside of the barn. I put more straw in their nests a few days ago and that seems to be encouraging them to lay more in the coop. ____________________ I ordered some rennet tablets this evening so I can begin to make goat cheese. Merry Christmas presents, I imagine.

Yesterday, I attended a seminar at the local University. It was on economics and international education. One of the ladies at my table was talking to me about having taken her students to the recycling center this week. She was saying that petroleum is used to make the plastic bottles that soda come in. I happened to also have the info packet on the US and noticed that in 2004 we had a daily deficit of 11 million barrels of oil. Now why on Earth are we using what we buy to make soda bottles!? While talking about this to a friend who was also at the seminar, she told me her mother-in-law refuses to throw away anything when she comes to visit. She is from India, and they don't throw away anything. They sell their old newspapers to the stores to be used to wrap vegetables and items in, they use plastic bags for everything you can think of, they don't sell garbage bags. I was remembering the recycling and packaging differences in Canada this summer... When will our country join the rest of the world?

Mother's intuition is amazing. We were at a restaurant Saturday evening and #2 had to go to the restroom. We sent him, but soon after I felt uneasy and asked Dadddy to go check on him. Just a second later, here comes #2 and he needs to throw up. Last night I woke, thinking I heard a cry in the night. A minute later, here he comes again, crawling into our bed and hugging his animals and pillow close to him. He had had a bad dream. #1 has bad dreams, though not as frequently as he used to. #2 very rarely dreams, it seems, so last night was an oddity. I took him back to his bed and crawled in with him to stay for half an hour until he felt better. He put his little arm out and held me tight. It reminded me of so many nights that #1 had done the same; needing to know I was still there. I hope they never forget to look for me when they are scared or need comforting. __________________ You may be wondering what the dream was about...He dreamed a spider kept biting him and he couldn't get away. Not such an odd dream seeing as he was playing with a spider last week and was bitten on the finger. He was trying to catch it. It left a fang in his finger that he had to pull out. This is not something we found out until several days later when the finger was still hurting. He thought he would get in trouble for playing with a spider; and he did!

"#2, what are you doing?" I asked last night. As soon as I asked, I knew what he was doing. I told him, "I know what you're doing. The very same thing I was doing when I was a kid!" That made him smile in relief. My parents brought down to me my great-grandmother's sewing machine. It is an old, wooden, pedal-powered one. I used to go in Great-grandma's room and see how fast I could make the pedal go. It has to be done in a steady rhythm or it gets stuck. It was always interesting to me as a child. So the two of us looked at the machine and pulled out the drawers to inspect their contents. It was a trip down memory lane for me. There were scraps of material that I remember doll's dresses being made of, Great-grandma's snuff can that she always kept in her apron pocket, my grandmother's signature on some papers, and stockings that had had the runners sewn. In those drawers were sraps of fabric so small it would be hard to think why they were saved. Pieces of an old linen lady's t-shirt, underwear with the crotch cut out, tops of socks, pieces of elastic stripped from some waistband...I am sure to some it would seem like trash, but to Great-grandma, they were very useful. She came from a life that would use every scrap it had. This made me start thinking about people's habits; people in my life. My maternal Papaw wanted his cupboards filled with food; he had gone hungry a lot as a child. My Grandma read anything she could get her hands on; she wasn't allowed to finish school because her family couldn't afford it. My mother and her sisters are clothes horses; they had sparing wardrobes when they were children; dresses made from flour sacks. And now there are my children. They want to spend $60 on an electronic puppy, that will surely break in less than a week. They don't understand the value of money, and have very little opportunity to discover it. We do our best, but it is hard in this time in America.

Wednesday evening I was debating whether or not to stay home from church with my children. We have really gotten behind in our school work and several things are due this week. I was justifying it as other people keep their kids home to finish homework, why can't I? I decided that we should go. I can make the kids cut out more tv or stay up later or something other than miss church. One of the reasons we enjoy homeschooling is that our lives are not dictated by how much homework has to be done that evening. I am glad for making the right decision, but I do still feel like we could have helped our situation by staying home. I am feeling stressed by being so far behind. But what would I have taught the children by staying home? I think the message would have been sent that if life is getting hectic, cut God out of it; just when you need God most!

I let the chicks and duck out of their hutch a few days ago. I was worried that they would be killed by the other chickens/roosters, but they are holding their own. Chuck, the duck who thinks it is a chicken, is very much a mother hen. It calls to the chicks and tries to keep them close, and even hisses at the hens who try to peck them. Chuck still doesn't quack. Today as I was milking Millie, the chicks came up on the stanchion with me and checked things out. They would sit on my lap or run around my feet. Then one flew up on the milk bowl to look around. What a fun way to start the day. _________________ Glad we got the heater in when we did. It is supposed to be in the 70s and 80s the next several days!!

It would seem that Satan is desparate to snare me. I have had so much going on lately, and several calendars to address for next year, that it has been difficult to keep the goal of being "unambitious". I refuse to let him get me though; I love my life so much when it is slower and stress-less. ___________________ My parents came to visit this weekend and had to stay longer than expected. We have had an oil furnace to heat the house the last 2 winters and it has not been efficient, in the least. The first year we went through a LOT of oil to keep it 68 degrees in here. Last year we went through a little less oil and kept it 61 degrees. So we bought a Monitor heater and my parents were here to help install it. Two of my uncles have used one for many years, and are both very pleased. It is a kerosene heater, but in northern California you should only use 220 gallons a year to heat your house. It really sounds too good to be true, but so far the house is quite warm, a first! Anyway, it is supposed to be a 2 hour job to install, but it took several days. We had to put a hole in the wall, and that is plaster and brick. Then we had to install a new electrical outlet and tie into electricity that the furnace had used or it would blow a fuse inside. The tank had to be drained, cleaned, and raised several feet. The kerosene couldn't be delivered when we had hoped. But now it is in and we are warm. ________________ Last night was a stretch for me. The 4-H moms met after a homeschool meeting, so that we could figure out the calendar and objectives for our club next year. It was nearly midnight when I got home- usual bedtime is 9:30!! The group of moms is a great mix, and we have fun together, so a late night wasn't as bad as it may seem. Our little club is in for some real growth this year as our children have grown and now must take more responsibility for activities.

A little before 9 last night my husband called to say he was on his way home. I guess I spoke in a cheery manner, and he asked what was up; I haven't had that voice in a while. Most of the things that were causing me stress are in the past now, and it is good to be through it. I hope my mind comes back to me now. I forgot to give my husband a phone message a few days ago. I so completely forgot, that when the situation that the phone message was about presented itself, I still didn't give him the message!!! I hate having that absent-minded feeling. _________________ My parents are arriving today to visit for a few days. My dad will be installing our new heater. I turned the furnace on last night, and 62 degrees feels SO much better than 50 something. The "new" bathroom is a lot warmer too. Amazing what some insulation can do! _________________ We finished 6 weeks of co-op yesterday. The boys took sign language, PE, a class on the USS Constitution, fish art, and spiritual dance. I taught an economics class and helped with a baking class. We very much love co-op. We love to see it come and love to see it go!

Some DC highlights and commentary: I was surprised by how clean everything was. The Metro was very clean, no grafitti or trash anywhere. You are not to eat, drink, or play music on the Metro- and no one did! Everyone I rode near was polite and talked with our group. It was not the stereotyped scenario that I expected. I felt safe everywhere we went, even after dark. The Library of Congress is beautiful. The Capitol building is also beautiful. The White House, by comparison, is ok. I do not know how they have parties in the "ballroom"; it didn't seem big enough. Washington Monument is bigger than you realize. It looks over the whole area we were in, but when you get up next to it, then you realize, this thing is HUGE! Getting stuck in the HOV lane, and missing our exit, gave us the opportunity to drive past the Washington Monument and Lincoln Memorial. The sunshine, green grass, and tourists combined to make a lovely beginning to our trip. My husband and I look at that experience differently! _______________ Thoughts from The Return of The Prodigal Son: We identify with the older and younger sons, but do we identify with the Father? If we are to emulate Christ so much that we become like him, then we will also become as the Father. Do I wait with open arms and run to forgive the one who has wished my death? Or do I turn my back? ______________ All of the baby rabbits died.

Well, I discovered last night that I am/have been more stressed than I realized. I went to my study group, having prepared the 2 lessons I thought we were doing, only to find out they are 2 lessons ahead of that. I evidently had already read these 2 lessons AND discussed them, and had no recollection of it at all!!! I don't remember reading it before or discussing it with anyone. The funny thing is, I got a lot out of the reading this time, that I must not have the first time (I didn't have any previous notes). So, this is from Agnes Sanford: "The One who knew said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." Happy, that is, are those people who know that their spiritual power is small, that their creeds are imperfect, that their instruction concerning God and man is incomplete. Happy are those who know that they do not know all of truth. For only those who admit their spiritual poverty are willing to learn. "Let us understand then, that if our experiment fails (asking for something in prayer), it is not due to a lack in God, but to a natural and understandable lack in ourselves. What scientist would be discouraged if his first experiment failed? Since we intend with His help to heal our shortcomings, to repair our wiring, we need not fear to test His power by prayer....Moreover, the attaining of such things in prayer involves the swaying of more minds than ours, and is rather difficult... How strange it is that people who fear to do this do not hesitate to pray for the most difficult objectives of all, such as the peace of the world or the salvation of their souls! If they have so little confidence in prayer that they do not dare to test their powers of contacting God by praying for an easy thing, it is probable that their cosmic intercessions are of little force. If everyone who prayed for the peace of the world had enough prayer-power to accomplish the healing of a head cold, this would be a different world within 24 hours." Amen! It was interesting to me that no one else seemed to enjoy Agnes Sanford's excerpt. Since I evidently didn't get anything out of it the first time, perhaps you need to have a bad week to grasp what she is saying.

My husband reads several books at once. It has always amazed me. I read one thing at a time, but because of circumstances out of my control, I am now reading several books at once. The following are excerpts from a selection by Andre Louf: "Nobody can learn how to see. For seeing is something we can do by nature. So too with prayer. Authentic prayer can never be learnt from someone else. It has its own instructor within it. Prayer is God's gift to him who prays....So long as we ourselves were still intent on the Word of God in our heart, we had come no further than the prelude. There comes a moment when we yield up God's Word to the Spirit within us. Then it is that our heart gives birth to prayer. And then at last the Word of God has become truly ours...And then the Name of Jesus has become our name also...Having now been chewed over and assimilated, it is regenerated in the heart, to the praise of God. It has taken root in us and is now bearing its fruit: we in our turn utter the Word and send it back to God. We have become Word; we are prayer.....The Spirit stammers it out in our heart, without our doing anything about it. ...We are still in the world, and we dwell already with Jesus near the Father. We still live in the flesh, and the Spirit has made us wholly captive. For the veil has fallen from our heart, and with unveiled faces we reflect like mirrors the glory and brightness of Jesus, as we ourselves are being recreated in His image, from glory to glory, by His Sprit (2 Cor 3:18)." I enjoyed the way Louf spoke of growing in prayer. I read today a selection by Agnes Sanford on prayer. I'll share some of that tomorrow. I am also reading another Nouwen book, Return of the Prodigal Son, and it struck me in several ways. If only I had time to sit and mull over such things. Hopefully it will stay near the front of my brain as I trudge through the day today.